I'm in DC for the Colorectal Cancer Alliance and just feel like hiding. Official stuff begins tomorrow, so tonight is all mine. All the volunteers are staying at the same hotel and I had a feeling they were going to try to CONNECT or something, so I made a run for it. That's probably a very anti-Jean thing to do ... but I'm just not ready. So I walked to a Christmas market. Then I sat in a cafe and read a book (very Jean) and had a dessert and coffee (much less Jean). It's about 8pm local time and as I walked I spotted the Capitol City Brewing Company. I was going to go back to the hotel, but seeing this place was a sign. THIS is what Jean would do.

Missing you more every day. Love you.

Brooke and I spent your birthday talking a lot about you - but also avoiding talking about you. Her birthday is so close to yours, and it makes it so ... complicated.

We talked about how much you wanted her to be born on your birthday and how worried I was that it might actually happen. Because I didn't want her to share her birthday with Mom! When I went into the hospital on the 30th I was upset because it was still so close. Then she was born in October (barely!) and I was thrilled. A whole different month!

As her birthday approached this week she could not stop thinking about you. Holidays trigger a lot of sadness for her now, and she immediately felt the closeness of your two birthdays. I hope as the years pass we can find a way to use your birthday as part of the way we celebrate hers ... and to move from this cloud of gloom towards more of an aura of memory.

We're still too close to celebrate these fond memories, but these are days on the calendar that you will forever tug us from the present into the past. I miss you more and more each day.

 I meant to write this a bit ago, but its been hard for me to process my thoughts lately. Last weekend, I was missing you. I dont remember what triggered it (this is the issue with not writing immediately) but there was some sort of trigger. So I went to my phone to look at our old text messages ... and they were gone.

This triggered a massive spiral. I cant even describe it. But, the generic notion is that I have nothing left of you. We dont have childhood photos. We are limited in childhood memories. I dont really have tangible items of yours to cling to (there are maybe three things I have, and two of them are a little more recent). All I have are these messages. 

I knew they were important, but I didnt know how much they represented all I have left of you. And when they were lost it was like losing you again. Admittedly, I've not done a lot in terms of coping with your loss still. I'm doing more ignoring and sheltering than coping. But, the shock of those messages being gone is a feeling that I couldnt really describe with words.

One of the issues that made this feeling more complicated was that I did it to myself. My phone is short on storage space and we have way too many photos. At some point, I must have changed settings to maximize storage space. I changed a setting (or let my phone change the setting) to delete text messages after they are a year old. This makes sense, logically. Who needs text messages from 12+ months ago? Well, I do.

So I had a lot of guilt and trauma about not keeping these messages out of my own neglect. I never figured out the storage issue. I've been lazy in figuring out how to keep all of these photos stored - and so they're on my phone instead of moving them off. I spent the day hating myself and crying.

But there is one positive thing to this ineptitude in storage. I had a low storage plan for storage backup and THAT has been used up. Because of that my phone (and all the phones in this house) have not been backed up since LAST NOVEMBER. Almost a year ago. So I lost your messages because I didnt have room, but also didnt back up because I didnt have room.

Are you doing the math?

I restored my phone back to November of 2022. Your messages were there.

Now, there is a bit more to this story. Before I restored my phone back to the olden days, I did a backup of my current phone (so I didnt lose the last year of stuff). Apparently, that backup failed. I spent two days trying to recover that. Also crying. I was unable. 

I now have a phone that lost all data over the last year. I lost text messages from the kids. And the weird feeling that if something were to happen to them now, that I chose to lose those texts in order to regain yours. Today its a logical choice. I need those messages from you. But when you live in constant fear of loss, this deliberate choice was also painful.

Ultimately, when it comes down to it... All I have left of you are about 7,500 text messages we shared over the time period that is on my phone (after backup). There is a little more to say about this that involves the period not long after you died. But I still have yet to cover the day of your funeral and dont think jumping forward a few weeks makes total sense.

I just finished (what is supposed to be) the last episode of the last season of Never Have I Ever.

It wasnt as funny as it was poignant, hitting on every subject from loss to change and growth.

All I want to do is talk to you about it. And at the same time the messages really ... hurt. You would have loved the rest of the series.

I don't know how to deal with messages like this from Brooke. Whenever she is down, this conversation always comes up. I have no ability to deal with my own grief and therefore find it very hard to figure out how to deal with hers too. Mostly I worry that I'm not addressing it enough and she feels she needs to keep it in. I miss you too. Every day. And every time she tells me SHE misses you it's like a punch in the heart. I simultaneously feel grief for my own loss and guilt for hers. How do I make sure this scar isn't one that creates permanent damage for her?

After years of prep she made it into the High School she wanted ... making her realize how many milestones she will hit without you there. The happiest moments are always the saddest without you.

It feels like 90% of my time missing you is spent regretting missed opportunities. It looks like Brooke feels the same. It's hard when the one thing in life you need is just a little more time, because that's really the one thing you can never get.

Luke went to the Field Museum with school and had so much fun. We were shocked, because we assumed with his short attention span it just wouldn't be the place for him. Clearly, we were wrong.

Sue made a huge (pun intended) impression on him. And as I scrolled through your social media posts thinking of you (something I do more days than not) I came across a multitude of your Sue photos. Today we looked at them together. He was shocked.

"Aunt Jean saw Sue too?"

Of course you did. Likely more times than we could ever count ;)

Today is hard. Missing you.

Last I wrote I discussed Sunday June 5th, two days after you passed. Now, if you recall, the wake is Thursday and the Funeral on Friday. I was not told any of this directly. I was not given information or invited to participate. I no longer received any communication from Quinn or Miriam. This is not a total surprise as I sent them both a reply on Sunday that told me that I was restricting communication with them. However, that same note also said "send along service details and needed information." They did not.

I received a couple of communications from Ruth. No details or info. One was a notice (warning?) that the obituary was coming out in the paper. One let me know reported plans for mom and Jim for your wake. The other was the day of your wake, saying she was "thinking of me". Ha. 

The only communication I did get that week was from Kathleen. She was trying to do her best to balance between, attempting to be useful and be included to your proclaimed "best friends" and also not tick me off with information she obtained from them. Miriam was picking out pictures she liked of our family (including my kids) from your social media, printing them, and sending them to Kathleen to put on the family board she was also now in charge of creating. During that week we were both using Google and online search to find out information - despite the fact that she was actually in regular contact with them. 

On Monday the funeral times were released. We both found out via the online obituary. Nobody ever told me what time or date the funeral or wake were. 

On Tuesday Kathleen told me about Miriam picking pictures of my family and sending them to her. She wanted to verify their use and make sure I was happy with what was being included and portrayed. 

We chatted a bit during the week and during the wake Kathleen contacted me both in the early afternoon (to say she was looking forward to seeing my family, if "looking forward" is the right word). Kathleen was the only one that knew what time we were going to the wake - as she was the only one that actually asked. Despite Ruth thinking Mom and Jim wouldnt be there long, they were. Kathleen warned me at 4:30 they were still there. She also warned me where they were hanging out.

I dont want to talk about your wake. It was horrible. But I do want to mention one last thing. On Sunday Kathleen told me that from 7pm-8pm the wake would be "open comment time for people about Jean". She was the only one that told me this. On the Curley website, it had said something about a remembrance ceremony at 7pm. That was all that was provided (and that needed to be looked up).

At your wake I was hanging out with our family members. A friend of Ruths (I think her name is Stephanie) came up to Jeff (who was inside, mostly trying to keep an eye out for Mom & Jim) and said something about the service getting kicked off soon and they were looking for me. Jeff was shocked and confused. Why were they looking at me? Well, this friend said they wanted to know if I wanted to "kick things off." WHAT? Yeah, apparently they were looking for me because they thought I'd like to give my speech first. The speech I didnt prepare because nobody told me there would be speeches. A speech I wasnt invited to give. And one they are really lucky I didnt plan to put together because after this nightmare experience the last thing anyone would want me to do is get up on a podium and tell everyone how I was feeling. 

I spent the last week of your life, and the 24 hours later, sitting and waiting. Hoping I'd be allowed to visit. Hoping I'd be included. Hoping someone would clue me in. I never thought all the decisions would be made without even including me. And I certainly never thought that it was assumed that I was just an acquaintance that should find out information like everyone else and that should participate as an outsider. This became increasingly traumatizing. Its still traumatizing. How can I process grief when anger at others is my primary emotion? How can I move forward when I'm sitting by my phone just waiting for a message, or being asked to be involved?

So I set an auto-respond to those that were consuming all of my thoughts.

I assume Quinn heard about my message to Miriam the previous night (where I tried to explain to her how rude it was to box me out and how it felt to have to Google your name to get information) because they messaged me with an attempt to ... see if I was sleeping ok. Really? How do you think I was sleeping. Their message and my automatic response is here:

Miriam follows later. Remember my last post? That I guess I was just an outsider and I'll try to pop into the wake on Thursday? Here is her response. 

I got one more message from Quinn this day (Sunday, two days after you died). It was your Obituary. It was published, without my input or any heads up.

Because this was a screenshot, I want to share the full obituary here

“Hope is the thing with feathers.” Emily Dickenson
“All birds are dinosaurs.” Jean Doan

Jean Stanula Doan Jean Stanula Doan (b 9-29-1982) of Chicago passed away on Friday, June 3, 2022 at 5:40 PM in the arms of her wife, closest companions, and her life-long furry friend, Eliot-the-Cat.  Jean died of organ failure resulting from colon cancer that spread to her liver.  Jean was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer on September 15, 2021, two and a half years after asking her doctor for a colonoscopy to ensure a lifetime of happiness with her family.  Her father, Jerome Stanley Stanula (deceased) died of colon cancer at the age of 53.  No one was less surprised and more enraged by her diagnosis than Jean herself.  

Jean is survived by her loving wife, Ruth Doan, her devoted sister Dawn Schneider, her loving mother, Terry Stanula, and her brother James Stanula.  Jean is also survived by her chosen family Quinn Drew, Michael O’Malley, and a gymnasium-full of friends, all of whom believe that they are, in fact, Jean’s best friend.  

Jean grew up in Orland Park, Chicago, and cultivated a true south-side appreciation for friendship, loyalty, hard work, hard drink, saving up for nice things, and making do with just enough in between.   

Jean was obsessed with natural history, most especially dinosaurs, her cat Eliot, time travel, musical theater, scientific writing and liberal politics and punditry.  She was an avid reader, as well as an incisive and entertaining writer.  She was an incredible boss and beloved employee at Rotary International.  She loved to travel and travel light (“less is more when you’re on the go”), and wrote incredible travel itineraries for our trips to London and New York City.  She even wooed her future wife while on a work trip to Australia.   

Jean’s intelligence, patience, and charm changed hearts and minds.  She healed broken friendships, and helped people see the world as a place where more people can belong.  She was a teacher.  She forgave people because she had faith in who we could be next time.  “I have been here before, I am here now,  I will be here again.” Roger Ebert from Life Itself 

We will collect sympathy cards at the visitation.  The visitation is scheduled at Curley Funeral Home on Thursday, June 9, from 2-8 PM.  The Funeral will be held at Graceland Cemetery on Friday, June 10, 2022 at 10:00 a.m., burial at 11:00 a.m. Attendees may drive in and will be guided to the chapel by Graceland staff.  All are welcome.  Post-funeral reception TBA.   

Please send flowers to Curley Funeral Home.  In lieu of flowers, Jean would love it if you made a donation to one of these two places:  

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://ethicalhumanistsociety.org/

(who is officiating her visitation and funeral free of charge).

Im not sure if its common to include a persons only family, or only sister, in the obituary writing. But I have to assume its often shared before publishing so that loved ones dont see it online first. Apparently I was not considered to be one of those people. How do I know this? Well, there is a specific line in the obituary that makes it pretty sure what Ruth was thinking at the time.

Kathleen had been trying to help with assembling photos for the wake. I am not sure how she was included, but she was appointed the person to gather her high school, college and 20's friends. Considering nobody in the newly proclaimed "best friends group" knew her that long, Kathleen was probably their only way to honor anything before Jean was 30.

Anyway, as Kathleen was not invited to visit Jean, and Nicole and I were specifically told we couldnt come in, I thought Id ask see how she felt about the fact that (according to the obituary) Jean died surrounded by her "closest companions". And to confirm I was not overreacting. I was not.
 

Its hard to try to write this all down. Thus, I disappear for a while after I post. It just takes me a while to process the feelings after I put it into words. 

The last I wrote, I described what happened the day you died. If you remember, I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant around the corner from your condo waiting to hear word when I (we) could come to see you. Nobody communicated anything with me - although Nicole was getting messages from "your people" working on final arrangements (specifically transporting your suit and a box of accessories to the funeral home). I had two margaritas and decided it was best to stop there. The anger was brewing. We were told we could being over tacos and leave, that visitors were not welcome. We dropped off those tacos (I insisted Michael bring Nicole up to say goodbye to you) and drove off. After I dropped Nicole off, Miriam called me to tell me you died.

That night was a mess. It was surreal. Honestly, it still is. I assumed the next morning I would be clued in on what was happening. Well, that was a stupid assumption.

The first message I got the next morning was from Kathleen. She just messaged to check in on me. The post she is referring to is one I made about you on Facebook.

Next I received a message from Nicole. When she and I departed I told her I would love to help with this suit drop off. Of course I wanted to be involved in your arrangements. Nicole was asked to drop off the suit on the South Side (where the funeral home was) because she was from the South Side. But she had no car and wasnt flexible and the plans were all over the place. I think she agreed in order to be involved - but it wasnt really even possible for her to do. 

So she messaged me trying to confirm that I could still do it. Also, she was obviously in communication with Quinn. I (at 11:17am) still heard nothing.

Part of that communication with Nicole involved her asking me where Jean was born. Obviously I knew this was not a random question. Nicole was getting asked information about Jean in order to complete death certificates and/or an obituary. Why were they asking Nicole?

Almost at the same time I get a message from Ruth, trying to confirm the same information. 

This was the first communication, if you recall, that I got from her in 2 days since June 2nd (and I wouldnt hear from here again until JUNE 7, but thats another post). That previous communication was a short response to a message I sent to her about your last wishes, in which she responded "Yes we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland."

Now maybe SHE was insulted I had not reached out to her, and thats why she leads with a factual request instead of any sort of acknowledgment of the fact my sister just died. But, I was clearly cut from communicating with her days prior, so expecting me to suddenly reach out would have been ridiculous. Instead, I believe I was only contacted because they could not acquire this info any other way.

And it continued. I got the same message from Quinn. They were all working together on final documents and obituary and plans. I was excluded. FYI, I was also kicked off the suit drop off. Despite no direct communication with anyone, I was told (by Quinn) that they had it covered.

At least this message acknowledged that maybe I was also dealing with something at that time.

Now, I spent all day Saturday wondering what was going on. We pretended things were normal with the kids (even attending Lukes baseball game) and waited to tell them when we could do it in a safe way. Family members messaged me wondering what the arrangements were. I had no clue. Nobody told me anything. I knew the arrangements were in process because 1) the funeral home doesnt just hold a body forever and 2) I know they were talking about places that could host after the funeral at one point we were together and Michael was looking into it. So, there were arrangements. Just ... nobody told me.

So I started Googling. Literally. I googled your name. And the funeral home popped up and the wake info was there. So I told my family the details I obtained by Googling you.

Which brings me to the last communication I received that day. The previous ones posted were the only ones, until 7:11pm when Miriam messaged me. And this really set me off. I dont remember if I Googled you before or after her message, but here they were sorting through memories of you. Of us. Of my kids. And you can tell by the photo that they were printing stuff out - arranging and preparing. Without including me or asking me to be involved in any way. 

I already said that I was pretty upset. Not only did I just lose my sister, but I was being totally boxed out. Could it get much worse? Yes, it could. Miriam responded.

Im not sure what more I can say about this one. "I dont think anything official has gone out?"

Her assumption was that I would get official notices. I was not part of the group that might need to know in advance. Or, maybe out of courtesy, have the honor of being included. And then she tried to change the subject. And send me cute pics of you that she was assembling. Seriously? Seriously.  I also love the parts where she tells me "Ruth had a huge day" at the funeral home and cemetery and then lets me know she is going to lay low to restore. I cant think of anything more tactless she could have written. My response is also included.

Remember how many years you didn't have a tree? I bought you that ornament in Poland and held onto it for like 10 years.

Couldn't let you spend another Christmas without one.

We've got the whole family there under the tree. You're the Angel :)

To begin, I personally never thought Freddy Prinze Jr was that good looking (at least from recollection). The only thing I even remember him in was She's All That.

And then I think he disappeared.

But he's back in this holiday move and WOW. He looked horrible. Wrinkles everywhere. Receding hairline. Bald spot in the back. And ridiculously weird facial movements.

All I could think was that he needed some Botox and a hair transplant. And how old is this guy? So I looked him up. 46. Same age as me. I mean, I don't look that old ... right?

And as I sat through this movie mocking him and spent the rest of the day thinking about it, all I wanted to do was talk to you. Who else will listen to me say such things and not think I'm a horrible person? Who else understands my total love of horrible movies? My obsession with YA? There isn't a person in the world that gets me, really in any way. Am I to spend the rest of my life misunderstood? Or will I continually have to keep my thoughts and ideas to myself because you're the only one that doesn't judge the brokenness of the person with those thoughts / comments?

Honestly, he looks horrible. Right?

I'd like to say some days are harder or easier than others. But they are not. All days are hard. Every day I still have to remind myself you are gone. Things are permanent.

This holiday season is weighing heavy. I've been able to keep myself busy and focused and not think about hog all day, until recently. Now it's 24/7. Yesterday I was feeling highly sensitive all day, so it's not a surprise it ended poorly.

First Luke at bedtime mentioned that he's never seen me cry more than I did at your wake. Then he asked when we can go visit Graceland. It's a thought I've had in my head (getting the kids all to see you) and haven't really pulled it together. Jeff and I talked a little about it after Luke was asleep.

I decided to go to bed early. I just couldn't adult anymore last night. I laid in bed and (stupidly) watched a movie until way too late. Before I went to sleep I (stupidly) checked my email and saw this.

The holidays are always hard for me because they're such a reminder that we didn't get the childhood or family we deserved. And now this year, the one thing I had (you) has also been stolen from me. It's exhausting being 46 years old and still feeling the loss of what we ever had. But mentally I have been able to deal with it because I know my kids will not repeat our lives. But losing you is such a reminder that not only is that pain still there, but it continues to mount. I'm tired and sad and angry. It's hard to move past all of those feelings to a point of acceptance. I miss you more every day.

Again, things continued to get worse. Friday, June 3rd I was completely cut out of all communication. This was your last day, your last hours. Maybe people could say that they didnt know time was so short - but thats a lie. You can tell by this (my only communication) informing me that you were "still with us." Because there was clearly an expectation that you might not be. I would have to assume that some people would understand that these minutes were important to others besides themselves, but that did not seem to be the case. After this message, I waited for a follow up. But, this was it. My last communication.

 

From this first message, the "Jean is still with us," I just waited. There was no update. So, again, I followed up. The day before we were told we'd be able to come over at 3 (which was what I was waiting on) and figured Id double check. So I sent this message around lunchtime. There was no "circling back."

At 12:35 pm Nicole messaged me and asked if we were still allowed to go see you. She traveled in from Arizona and saw you briefly on Thursday. When she left, she had the same expectation as I did ... that we would see you again. I told her that I had heard nothing, but she told me she had received a small communication (more than me at least). At 10:53 she received a message from Ruth's number, sent by Miriam, and forwarded that along to me.

I still heard nothing, and Nicole only had this one communication. After hearing nothing, we decided to meet at a restaurant close to your house for lunch. We figured if we could be close, then we could get there fast. She and I met at a local Mexican restaurant at 2:10. While I was there, Nicole was receiving some communication. She was told we could not come over anymore. All visits were cancelled. But she was welcome to drop them off some lunch. Miriam also started communicating with her about final plans for Jean. They wanted the suit Jean wore to her wedding to be dropped of at the Funeral Home. As Nicole was from the South Side (where the funeral home was) they seemed to think she would be a good person to transport needed items. I received nothing. So I followed up myself.

Apparently, Miriam expected Nicole to be giving me some updates. I was not in a need-to-know situation. When I asked what the heck was going on ... she just asked (insinuated) that I was with Nicole. That would mean ... I knew what was going on?

After waiting and waiting all day - and never having a person directly contact me (apparently there was a group text sent that I was not on?) I was told that Ruth was no longer doing visitors. It was all too much for her. Nobody could come over. This is the message. This was my communication. On your last day. 

But, communicated to Nicole, she and I could deliver them lunch. Here is the group message from Miriam to Nicole and myself. At 4PM. Ruth was real excited about the tacos.

Nicole and I ordered a bunch of tacos. We went to drop them off - both feeling very angry. Nicole was really upset. She told Jean she would be back to visit and felt distraught over the idea of a broken promise. When we arrived, Michael came down. Despite the "no visitors" there was a house full. Miriam, Michael, Quinn, Ruths other sister ... and I dont remember who else. Michael looked exhausted. While out with us he was trying to get in touch with a new night nurse (the one from previous night was horrendous and messed up medication in addition to other things). He told us it was "like Lord of the Flies" in your condo with infighting and drama. I told Michael that Nicole needed to see Jean. He called up to get her visit approved, and brought her in while I waited downstairs. 

I pondered demanding the same thing. But it was already so bad. And I was so angry. I wanted my last memories of Jean to be ... peaceful? I said goodbye to her the day before, not knowing if there would be another day. And her last days were so horrific. I decided to say nothing. 

Nicole and I left there and I dropped her at a friends house around 5:30pm. A couple minutes later Miriam called to tell me that you died.

 Things got increasingly insane over the next few days. I am not, in any way, questioning the insanity or the emotional shit that was going on here. You were dying. It was faster than expected. It was chaos.

On Thursday (this is June 2nd, one day before you passed) I just waited and waited for communication. Again, I had heard nothing. When I left on Wednesday you were in bad shape. You were confused and frightened and I had told Ruth (and Miriam) that they were undermedicating you. Ruth was keeping meds to a minimum in order to keep you more alert out of a desire to keep interacting with you. This is the failure of every stupid movie that demonstrates a person near death has the ability to have these lovely goodbyes. Sometimes that happens ... but not with cancer. Cancer eats you. It destroys you. A person during their last moments of a cancer battle is not chatting and having heart-to-hearts. Its agaonizing death. I begged her to maximize your meds so that you could rest and have more peace during your last days. 

I made my first attempt at 6 in the morning. I literally had not slept all night and was just sitting there, home by myself, waiting to hear what was going on with my sister. The day before a nurse had informed us my sister was "in transition" and the last I heard/saw was leaving her home as a night nurse was settling in. At this point, Ruth's sister (Miriam) appeared to be my only point of communication. I messaged her ... and it was three hours until a response. 

 

At this point Miram told me that they had changed her medications and that Jean "slept well." This was my last communication with Miriam that day.

I also tried to go directly to Ruth to see if I could get more information - something. I was paying for them to have weekly cleaners and they were due to come over, so I figured a reminder on that might be a good poke.  I got a thanks, but that was it. 

I did message her one more time that day, partly (again) trying to get ANYTHING. And I explained that I heard them making some calls regarding services etc the day before and though I'm sure Jean and her discussed it that I was slightly worried Jean was allowing plans to be made to accomodate others instead of what maybe she'd really want. Jean mentioned to me that she was considering having her wake on the South Side to primairly account for our mother and that made me ... nervous? Anyway, I suggested to Ruth that decisions should be made based on what Jean (and she) really want and not to accomodate others. 

She responded that "we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland" (at 3:33pm) and that was it. Again, no asking for help or info, inviting opinion, etc. This was a done deal and I'd just been informed.

 

I resorted back to Quinn that day, who was clearly receiving updates when I wasnt. 

I had waited literally all day - just sitting there. 24 or so hours before you died. I finally got word from Quinn (who had talked to Ruth) and informed me we were given a window to visit that night. So I needed to wait until 6pm. I spent the day running from store to store trying to get clothes for my kids to wear to your funeral and wake. They had no dress clothes, and no dress shoes. This is what I did during your last hours.

And this is when it really got bad. If thats even possible. The 6-9 period was like an open house for grief. People were in and out (all a very small select group of friends) during that period, many just sat around in their main room to talk. 

At this point Jean was no longer conscious. She was in a sleep state, looking fairly peaceful. People went in and out of her room to say goodbye. 

We were clearly escorted out at 9pm, with a new night nurse checking in. I was essentially told ... dont contact us we will contact you. We could come back at 3PM the next day.

While there on Tuesday I did indicate to Ruth that I thought she needed more help. Jean was confused and combative, and Ruth told me she (Jean) had fallen the night before. I clearly indicated my desire to help, as did many others. I was not taken up on that.

On Wed, Karen and Jillian were supposed to visit. I messaged her to remind her (also as a poke because I was getting no info) and was told all visits were now cancelled. She said her sister was coming over. Because info was so … sparse … I also started texting Quinn.

Quinn always had the info before me. When I said visits were cancelled, they already knew.

At 9am, Miriam, Ruth's sister messaged me. I assumed this was my new point of contact and was happy I'd be able to get info.

I wasn't invited over so I offered help via food and suggested I bring lunch. I showed up around 11am with sandwiches. While I was there, the hospice nurse came. We were notified that you “were in transition” … a real weird way to say you were dying and that time was up.

Jeff was out of town in Detroit during all of this. I let him know what was happening and he began the journey back. I called Jeff’s parents in to help that night. I needed to go get my kids from school and left around 2:30. When I left, there were quite a few people there. A nurse was being called in overnight to help with Jean. I ordered a bunch of stuff from Target delivery to help with things they needed around the house.

I got the kids and met up with my in-laws. I grabbed a ton of pillows and blankets, assuming that myself (and others) would be camping out at your place that night. I returned to your place after setting things up with Rick & Kathy and the kids. Other people came in and out that night, Michael & Brian, Miriam, etc.. Again, some of this is already getting confusing. Kathleen (a High School friend) was there that night and we chatted quite a bit. This becomes important later.

While I was there planning was happening for the wake and/or funeral. Calls were being made to find a service provider and (I think) this is when I noticed them start looking at plots. Perhaps this was the next day, because its (already getting blurry). My input was not requested and no information was provided to me.

The night nurse showed up and I was there while Ruth explained the medication and showed him where he’d sleep. At that point I was told it was all good there and guided out the door.

Instead of just holding onto anger, I figured I'd start to lay down my facts. You know, for the book ;)

Ultimately as time goes by I'll hold onto the feelings, but I'll be less familiar with the facts.

I want to start with our broken connection. I don't think we texted daily. But we texted quote often. Friday, May 27th was the last you and I chatted via text. That afternoon the kids and I dropped off some compression socks to you. You were experiencing a lot of leg swelling and pain, and I had some pairs for running. We chatted via text about dropping them off, and then I saw you that day. It was the last time the kids got to see you. You came down the stairs and gingerly came to the gate. The kids (mostly Brooke) were shocked at how much you had declined. That night we went over there to move box spring to basement. Ruth said you was not doing well and to not bring kids in (you were all in the car, we brought you with because we had a feeling it would be the last visit). We got there around 815pm and moved the mattress. You were laying on the couch, still chatting but definitely confused. The kids were aware that night (when we got back to the car) that they would never see you again. Brooke cried.

The next morning I sent you an article. I remember I did it more as a poke. I didn't want to keep harassing you. So I figured I'd send a link to a Dino discovery and you'd reply and we could chat. But you never replied.

Prior to that I asked Ruth via text how things were going, it was 8am. Just got a "we're ok" and "jean taking a bath" I prodded more. Was told you were "a little more lucid" but that "hasnt eaten much yet." It was at this point I send you the message, with no response. Since you were in the bath I assumed you were up and at least conscious in some way. No response.

I had promised to get an estate plan together and it was done. I got the attorney to come that night. Time was not only short but you needed to be of sound mind to sign docs. We went at 9pm and signed your Estate Plan and Power of Attorney docs.

There was radio silence from that point, so I texted Ruth at 420 pm Sunday, trying to arrange a visit with Karen & Jillian. Plans were made to come on Wed, and I was allowed to come help on Tuesday, which was Ruth's last day of work.

There were things between these two points, but when I arrived on Tuesday Jean was often looking for her watch and phone. Quinn let me know that Ruth had taken them both away from Jean because it was confusing her.

I understand this decision. But cannot believe nobody thought to maybe tell me I would no longer have any communication with my sister. Obviously others knew, like Quinn. This was the first sign of the inside vs outside mentality and the display as to where I belonged (clearly not on the inside). It just escalated from there.

As we sang Happy Birthday (in horrible voices) she sat like this. After she blew out her candle I saw tears in her eyes.

I sent the boys on a walk and asked her what was wrong. She told me she missed you. She's been thinking about you all week, dreading today. Because you don't get to see her turn 14. And you don't get to see any of her birthdays. You don't get to see her grow up.

I assured her that you were so proud of her and you would be so proud of her today. And that you will always be a part of her birthday.

I also had to warn her that holidays will not be easy for a long time. And that was a pretty crappy thing to have to admit.