I'd like to say some days are harder or easier than others. But they are not. All days are hard. Every day I still have to remind myself you are gone. Things are permanent.

This holiday season is weighing heavy. I've been able to keep myself busy and focused and not think about hog all day, until recently. Now it's 24/7. Yesterday I was feeling highly sensitive all day, so it's not a surprise it ended poorly.

First Luke at bedtime mentioned that he's never seen me cry more than I did at your wake. Then he asked when we can go visit Graceland. It's a thought I've had in my head (getting the kids all to see you) and haven't really pulled it together. Jeff and I talked a little about it after Luke was asleep.

I decided to go to bed early. I just couldn't adult anymore last night. I laid in bed and (stupidly) watched a movie until way too late. Before I went to sleep I (stupidly) checked my email and saw this.

The holidays are always hard for me because they're such a reminder that we didn't get the childhood or family we deserved. And now this year, the one thing I had (you) has also been stolen from me. It's exhausting being 46 years old and still feeling the loss of what we ever had. But mentally I have been able to deal with it because I know my kids will not repeat our lives. But losing you is such a reminder that not only is that pain still there, but it continues to mount. I'm tired and sad and angry. It's hard to move past all of those feelings to a point of acceptance. I miss you more every day.