Tomorrow is the Stan's donut 5K! I am terrified. Not only because I'm not sure how to run with three kids, but because I have to do this without you. And that's literally why I'm doing it… But the thought of doing it really hits hard. I miss you.

I watched all of season three of "Never Have I Ever" in about 10 minutes.

Ok, it wasn't 10 minutes. But I spent all of the last two days tearing through it. Her journey has been hard to watch as she faces a similar struggle. Obviously she faces that struggle with so much more humor and so much better luck (three boys in love with her? Sheesh) but the message is still the same.

She just spent three years healing from the traumatic loss of her father. Over those years she hyper focuses and obsesses over a ton of things, to finally learn that are no guarantees in life and the present is a too precious to waste.

You, I think, sort of understood this message. I didn't get it until I was losing you ... and by then I was also missing out on the present as well.

In a condensed three season show we watch her grieve for three years. But while grieving she's surrounded by a supportive and loving family, amazing friends, multiple romantic interests, a wise therapist, and even educators that constantly seek to both push and protect her. I had none of that as a teen and have none of that now. Between those points I had you.

So while I understand how crucial it is to live in the present, it's hard to accept that my present it was it is. Leaving it to a teen rom-com drama to tear me up. Ha. This one just really hits so close to home and I'm sad we didn't get to talk about this season together. I know you would have loved it.

I'm trying to convince Jeff to get another puppy. A dog for the dog. He says he doesn't "have the bandwidth" for another dog. I know that you'd agree with me that he's a big jerk, while also simultaneously try to spew some rational wisdom into my head. I miss having you to talk to.

Just left the DC area onto a cabin in Virginia. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I'm crying as we drive.

It's like I had a little chance to connect with you there and now I'm walking away (or driving away) from that opportunity. It hurts. It's like I have to say goodbye another time.

The good thing is that I got to feel connected to you in a different way over the last couple of days ... and I didn't really expect that! So with the good comes the bad, I guess. Thankful I got to feel connected for those few days. Love you.

In DC with the kids trying to reconnect with you, to find you I guess? It's still too soon for this to bring good memories back, it's definitely more painful than joyful.

But pieces of you are here. I can't exactly do the same things we did with the kids ... shopping and bars are not their things. But we are touring a lot of the National Mall and I'm telling them about when you and I played tourist here too. It was so long ago it's hard to remember now, but it still is nice to know we shared this too.

I know you and I had so many conversations about fake eyelashes, I had to fill you in on this one. So I put on these fake eyelashes at around 3 o'clock today. And now it's 11 PM and they're mostly on ... there's a little bit of slippage maybe on one side and you can start to see them kind of pulling, but visually when you look at me they don't look like they're falling off or look crazy. However I really did feel them the whole night. So I'm still on the eyelash crusade. I thought you would love an update. Miss you.