While there on Tuesday I did indicate to Ruth that I thought she needed more help. Jean was confused and combative, and Ruth told me she (Jean) had fallen the night before. I clearly indicated my desire to help, as did many others. I was not taken up on that.

On Wed, Karen and Jillian were supposed to visit. I messaged her to remind her (also as a poke because I was getting no info) and was told all visits were now cancelled. She said her sister was coming over. Because info was so … sparse … I also started texting Quinn.

Quinn always had the info before me. When I said visits were cancelled, they already knew.

At 9am, Miriam, Ruth's sister messaged me. I assumed this was my new point of contact and was happy I'd be able to get info.

I wasn't invited over so I offered help via food and suggested I bring lunch. I showed up around 11am with sandwiches. While I was there, the hospice nurse came. We were notified that you “were in transition” … a real weird way to say you were dying and that time was up.

Jeff was out of town in Detroit during all of this. I let him know what was happening and he began the journey back. I called Jeff’s parents in to help that night. I needed to go get my kids from school and left around 2:30. When I left, there were quite a few people there. A nurse was being called in overnight to help with Jean. I ordered a bunch of stuff from Target delivery to help with things they needed around the house.

I got the kids and met up with my in-laws. I grabbed a ton of pillows and blankets, assuming that myself (and others) would be camping out at your place that night. I returned to your place after setting things up with Rick & Kathy and the kids. Other people came in and out that night, Michael & Brian, Miriam, etc.. Again, some of this is already getting confusing. Kathleen (a High School friend) was there that night and we chatted quite a bit. This becomes important later.

While I was there planning was happening for the wake and/or funeral. Calls were being made to find a service provider and (I think) this is when I noticed them start looking at plots. Perhaps this was the next day, because its (already getting blurry). My input was not requested and no information was provided to me.

The night nurse showed up and I was there while Ruth explained the medication and showed him where he’d sleep. At that point I was told it was all good there and guided out the door.

Instead of just holding onto anger, I figured I'd start to lay down my facts. You know, for the book ;)

Ultimately as time goes by I'll hold onto the feelings, but I'll be less familiar with the facts.

I want to start with our broken connection. I don't think we texted daily. But we texted quote often. Friday, May 27th was the last you and I chatted via text. That afternoon the kids and I dropped off some compression socks to you. You were experiencing a lot of leg swelling and pain, and I had some pairs for running. We chatted via text about dropping them off, and then I saw you that day. It was the last time the kids got to see you. You came down the stairs and gingerly came to the gate. The kids (mostly Brooke) were shocked at how much you had declined. That night we went over there to move box spring to basement. Ruth said you was not doing well and to not bring kids in (you were all in the car, we brought you with because we had a feeling it would be the last visit). We got there around 815pm and moved the mattress. You were laying on the couch, still chatting but definitely confused. The kids were aware that night (when we got back to the car) that they would never see you again. Brooke cried.

The next morning I sent you an article. I remember I did it more as a poke. I didn't want to keep harassing you. So I figured I'd send a link to a Dino discovery and you'd reply and we could chat. But you never replied.

Prior to that I asked Ruth via text how things were going, it was 8am. Just got a "we're ok" and "jean taking a bath" I prodded more. Was told you were "a little more lucid" but that "hasnt eaten much yet." It was at this point I send you the message, with no response. Since you were in the bath I assumed you were up and at least conscious in some way. No response.

I had promised to get an estate plan together and it was done. I got the attorney to come that night. Time was not only short but you needed to be of sound mind to sign docs. We went at 9pm and signed your Estate Plan and Power of Attorney docs.

There was radio silence from that point, so I texted Ruth at 420 pm Sunday, trying to arrange a visit with Karen & Jillian. Plans were made to come on Wed, and I was allowed to come help on Tuesday, which was Ruth's last day of work.

There were things between these two points, but when I arrived on Tuesday Jean was often looking for her watch and phone. Quinn let me know that Ruth had taken them both away from Jean because it was confusing her.

I understand this decision. But cannot believe nobody thought to maybe tell me I would no longer have any communication with my sister. Obviously others knew, like Quinn. This was the first sign of the inside vs outside mentality and the display as to where I belonged (clearly not on the inside). It just escalated from there.

As we sang Happy Birthday (in horrible voices) she sat like this. After she blew out her candle I saw tears in her eyes.

I sent the boys on a walk and asked her what was wrong. She told me she missed you. She's been thinking about you all week, dreading today. Because you don't get to see her turn 14. And you don't get to see any of her birthdays. You don't get to see her grow up.

I assured her that you were so proud of her and you would be so proud of her today. And that you will always be a part of her birthday.

I also had to warn her that holidays will not be easy for a long time. And that was a pretty crappy thing to have to admit.