I spent the last week of your life, and the 24 hours later, sitting and waiting. Hoping I'd be allowed to visit. Hoping I'd be included. Hoping someone would clue me in. I never thought all the decisions would be made without even including me. And I certainly never thought that it was assumed that I was just an acquaintance that should find out information like everyone else and that should participate as an outsider. This became increasingly traumatizing. Its still traumatizing. How can I process grief when anger at others is my primary emotion? How can I move forward when I'm sitting by my phone just waiting for a message, or being asked to be involved?

So I set an auto-respond to those that were consuming all of my thoughts.

I assume Quinn heard about my message to Miriam the previous night (where I tried to explain to her how rude it was to box me out and how it felt to have to Google your name to get information) because they messaged me with an attempt to ... see if I was sleeping ok. Really? How do you think I was sleeping. Their message and my automatic response is here:

Miriam follows later. Remember my last post? That I guess I was just an outsider and I'll try to pop into the wake on Thursday? Here is her response. 

I got one more message from Quinn this day (Sunday, two days after you died). It was your Obituary. It was published, without my input or any heads up.

Because this was a screenshot, I want to share the full obituary here

“Hope is the thing with feathers.” Emily Dickenson
“All birds are dinosaurs.” Jean Doan

Jean Stanula Doan Jean Stanula Doan (b 9-29-1982) of Chicago passed away on Friday, June 3, 2022 at 5:40 PM in the arms of her wife, closest companions, and her life-long furry friend, Eliot-the-Cat.  Jean died of organ failure resulting from colon cancer that spread to her liver.  Jean was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer on September 15, 2021, two and a half years after asking her doctor for a colonoscopy to ensure a lifetime of happiness with her family.  Her father, Jerome Stanley Stanula (deceased) died of colon cancer at the age of 53.  No one was less surprised and more enraged by her diagnosis than Jean herself.  

Jean is survived by her loving wife, Ruth Doan, her devoted sister Dawn Schneider, her loving mother, Terry Stanula, and her brother James Stanula.  Jean is also survived by her chosen family Quinn Drew, Michael O’Malley, and a gymnasium-full of friends, all of whom believe that they are, in fact, Jean’s best friend.  

Jean grew up in Orland Park, Chicago, and cultivated a true south-side appreciation for friendship, loyalty, hard work, hard drink, saving up for nice things, and making do with just enough in between.   

Jean was obsessed with natural history, most especially dinosaurs, her cat Eliot, time travel, musical theater, scientific writing and liberal politics and punditry.  She was an avid reader, as well as an incisive and entertaining writer.  She was an incredible boss and beloved employee at Rotary International.  She loved to travel and travel light (“less is more when you’re on the go”), and wrote incredible travel itineraries for our trips to London and New York City.  She even wooed her future wife while on a work trip to Australia.   

Jean’s intelligence, patience, and charm changed hearts and minds.  She healed broken friendships, and helped people see the world as a place where more people can belong.  She was a teacher.  She forgave people because she had faith in who we could be next time.  “I have been here before, I am here now,  I will be here again.” Roger Ebert from Life Itself 

We will collect sympathy cards at the visitation.  The visitation is scheduled at Curley Funeral Home on Thursday, June 9, from 2-8 PM.  The Funeral will be held at Graceland Cemetery on Friday, June 10, 2022 at 10:00 a.m., burial at 11:00 a.m. Attendees may drive in and will be guided to the chapel by Graceland staff.  All are welcome.  Post-funeral reception TBA.   

Please send flowers to Curley Funeral Home.  In lieu of flowers, Jean would love it if you made a donation to one of these two places:  

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://ethicalhumanistsociety.org/

(who is officiating her visitation and funeral free of charge).

Im not sure if its common to include a persons only family, or only sister, in the obituary writing. But I have to assume its often shared before publishing so that loved ones dont see it online first. Apparently I was not considered to be one of those people. How do I know this? Well, there is a specific line in the obituary that makes it pretty sure what Ruth was thinking at the time.

Kathleen had been trying to help with assembling photos for the wake. I am not sure how she was included, but she was appointed the person to gather her high school, college and 20's friends. Considering nobody in the newly proclaimed "best friends group" knew her that long, Kathleen was probably their only way to honor anything before Jean was 30.

Anyway, as Kathleen was not invited to visit Jean, and Nicole and I were specifically told we couldnt come in, I thought Id ask see how she felt about the fact that (according to the obituary) Jean died surrounded by her "closest companions". And to confirm I was not overreacting. I was not.