Dear Jean,

A promise is a promise. We started training for Stan's 5K! Brooke and Jeff were not home and the weather was too nice to pass up. So we risked it. We brought Luke.

He made it the whole mile.

I checked my Runkeeper and guess when my last run was? June 27 ... 2020. Whoops.

I know it's a small world, but geez! Recently I've been messaging with a plethora of your old friends and connections. But not that long ago I was chatting with Maureen. She said she was coming into town from California for a short period. She was asking about mom and if she should stop in there, and I gave her the short version of the whole long story.

Anyway the fam and I were wrapping up some ice cream in downtown New Buffalo and this girl comes up to me. I'm pretty sure you can already guess where this is going, but it was her! So after all this chatting back-and-forth we actually had the chance to connect (on a random street in Michigan) for a couple of minutes. She got to see the kids, we had to talk about you, and it felt really nice. Obviously it would've been better if she got to see you or you guys got to see each other, but it is still kind of cool I'm getting a chance to connect with some of your old friends. Certainly doesn't make anything better but I think it helps with some of the processing. Miss you!

I signed myself, Brooke and Ryan up for the donut run. I really don't want to run. They really don't want to run. But we want to do something with you, you know?

I'm still not ready to accept that you are not here. But I'm working hard to make sure the kids accept and understand it. When I mentioned that I'd running this race would be something you would really love ... they immediately agreed. They wanted to do it for you. And whether or not it's something I can handle (right now I honestly can't), I believe it's something they really need.

Now three reluctant runners need to start training :(

Today we were in Detroit. Despite the fact I already had several coffees and had just eaten, I felt the need to go to Tim Hortons to get in on this Beiber partnership. I cools feel Brookes eyes roll from the seat behind me. I told her you would get it, and if I told you I wanted to do it (even if you didnt want it) you'd be all in. I tried Justin's "signature Tim Hortons Vanilla Cold Brew" drink, Biebs Brew. And the Beibs donuts.

The coffee was crap and the donuts were basic. But that actually just added to the experience. You were definitely with me.

I can't really sleep at night. I think it's my brain processing. I get that you're gone. I'm not in denial or having a hard time accepting it. I saw cancer take you. I saw you fade.

But we've had periods of time where we haven't spoken before. Like when I'm on vacation or you're traveling for work, for example. So the silence between us still seems temporary. While I know it's not true, in the back of my head I still think I can talk to you or see you. Like this is temporary. I don't understand how I reconcile this feeling. It's really just too hard to accept.

Is a day ever going to come where this stuff makes me happy? Where the memories of you feel good instead of make me cry? I can't imagine that will ever happen.

When you got your diagnosis we both knew you were going to die, albeit at not as fast as you were taken. I also became pretty convinced that I was also going to die. Initially I assumed it would be immediate after the drama with my colonoscopy, but then later came to believe it will just be at some point in the future. Not as soon as you, but too early regardless.

I am really sort of planning my own death, with most concerns being the kids. I decided that I would, from the point of my own diagnosis, start writing the kids emails regularly that they could see after I died so they could still have communications from me. They would include pics of me / them that they had not seen, memories, words of encouragement, etc.

Despite the fact I knew your time was short ... I didn't consider how I'd feel this desperate need to still hear from you. Despite the fact I knew my kids would feel that for me. I knew you'd leave me, but never really believed it.

Now I sit here strolling every social media post and reading every text message. There are not enough videos and I need more. I need more words from you to me, more words from you to the kids.

In every movie when someone dies there is the "last voicemail." They save it forever and listen to it on repeat. I don't have a last voicemail. Do I save every text? Every email? Every instant message? What about all the millions of texts I deleted? Can I retrieve them? Can I hunt down stories you wrote for a now defunct online magazine? Can I find writing you did under pseudonyms? How do I find a way to still hear you now that you are gone? I don't know why I started planning the end of my own life while simultaneously not preparing for yours. That was a pretty massive mistake.

So popular you are. I'm getting messages left and right from so many people you connected with. Today Serena contacted me. We chatted back and forth about you, how you got into running (me, duh), and what a jerk I am for never making one of those runs you kept asking me to go to last year.

Obviously it's too Lee to do together, but I promised her Im coming to one this summer. I know they say "better late than never" ... but in this case that feels untrue. Sometimes it CAN be too late. However, I owe you a run.

Well, either you've officially made the world obsessed with dinos, or there are more of your spirit-animals than we knew, or you're sending subtle messages.

Neither of us really believe you're sending messages. But pretending like you are makes me feel a little better.

Oh my goodness is celebrity gossip news on fire today. Klaus is coming back to Legacies, Beibers face is paralyzed & Brittney got married.

I would have been spamming your text all day. But I bet you would have shared the Beiber news first :)

I don't want to get into the exhaustion of the last few days. Or how angry I am over so many things. Behavior of some people was totally shocking to me, and something that just cannot be undone. But, on a positive note, Jill and I talked forever about the shenanigans that took place when Mary and I came to visit you in London. You and I always talked about a "motherland tour" ... one of many things that I now feel robbed of. But Jill and I thought maybe we could change if from a "Motherland" tour to a "Piss Hole of London" tour. I think you would have appreciated both the discussion... and the possibility that we will actually make it happen.

10:30am

Well this is a weird update. After I posted this in the morning Mary messaged me. She was also thinking about our London trip! She just sent me these pics:

Remember how fascinated we were with smart cars?

This, we think, was Durkins. Man we lived at that bar.

 

 I've always gone to you for advice when it comes to managing relationships. I am hot headed and quick to put up walls, where you are the peace-keeper that diffuses situations. Though we approach things differently, because we have the same background it was easy to really get what was going on in the other persons head. I'd always tell you to speak up for yourself and stop being a doormat. You'd tell me to take a breath and not always burn every bridge. We'd eventually find our own solutions to the problems, but each of us would be a little more aggressive or passive thanks to our talks.

I'll always be able to hear your voice in future conflict, but in this case I'm not sure what you'd say. People became selfish and petty during your last days. They approached your services with a sense of cliquishness that alienated so many people. I mean, I had to find out your wake details by Googling your name. As your sister, the experience was horrifying. Adding the trauma on top of grief felt intentionally cruel. And it continued to progress to the point I just had to disconnect.

Here is the deal. If this was a third party (and not about you) I know what you'd say. You'd tell me to pause and think and figure out if my feelings were real or if I was just projecting my own baggage onto the situation. If I determined I was not crazy, then you'd say something along the lines of "fuck those assholes"

And here we are. 

Because the details are hurtful and your opinion in this case would be biased, in real life if you were here I would NOT talk about this situation with you. Telling you the truth would hurt your feelings, and your instinct to defend would hurt mine. Because I would not share this with you in real life, Im going to avoid providing the details here too. 

But now I face this WWJD moment. Because what you'd tell me to do would be different than what I intend to do. You'll always be my sister. In order to protect myself and keep my experiences and memories with you safe, I need to walk away. 

You know what really sucks? Going to your little sisters wake. If you were here, we'd be able to talk about how crappy is that for hours on end.

I got an alert on my phone and it was a calendar entry. Brooke shares a calendar with me, so I see everything she enters. She put your birthday on her calendar. And if I wasn't broken before that, I am now. I miss you.

I've been digging through old pics of you just needing to see your face, and kicking myself for both not spending more time with you while also not capturing more of the memories we shared together. I'm haunted by all of our discussions about you writing a book, knowing that will never happen. And that's lead me down a rabbit hole of trying to find your writing. Others are obviously doing the same, and that's how Nicole ended up sending me your maid-of-honor speech from her wedding.

"For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not really that into "family" stuff. I do my best to skip holidays in favor of the bar with friends, and bemoan the few hours a year that I spend making conversation with my blood relatives.
 
I'm also the type of person who feels transient, no matter how long I've been in one place – I struggle with wanderlust and the constant desire move, to leave - to be anywhere but where I am.
 
So in this context, it might surprise you that the two things I want to talk about today, on the wedding day of my best friend Nicole to the most genuine man on earth, are family and home – two things that Nicole has taught me so much about.
 
I'll start with the obligatory short history of me and Nicole – When I was 15 and Nicole was 16, she adopted me.  I was an awkward theatre kid with a ratsnest of hair and thick glasses, and Nicole was a tall, gorgeous ginger who always smelled mysteriously like perfume and cigarette smoke. In our time together, often sitting on the floor of the Borders bookstore, I mostly talked about dinosaurs – and she actually listened.  She invited me into her home for dinner with her family, and to sleep over at her house. All the while I was amazed that she could be both so good-looking and still so kind.
 
A few weeks into this unlikely friendship, Nic asked me (or told me, I guess) that we were going to take the Greyhound bus 16 hours from Chicago to Ft. Smith Arkansas to visit her friend Nigel who had been unfairly whisked away by her family after freshman year.  I obliged willingly. When the day came, Nic's parents drove us downtown at midnight for our possibly risky adventure and kissed us both on the forehead before sending us off. I felt so loved. This was when I started to understand that Nicole was making me a part of her family.
 
Since that time, Sue has played the role as my second mother (and sometimes my first mother). Advising me about dating, friendships, school and work. And my hair. And my body. And my pharmaceutical needs and… well. You know Sue. But in seriousness, her advice has been invaluable.  And then came Bob, who once when we were in our early 20s, invited us to a Chicago Fireman's convention near Lake Geneva. And yes ladies, it was exactly what you imagine. Mustaches, beer bellies and vaguely racist jokes.
 
 
Over the years Nicole and I have gone through a lot. Separate colleges and grad schools, changing friends and careers. A combined six tattoos, two eyebrow piercings, and one broken pelvis. And dating – Man oh man – We've dated. I've had a lot of girlfriends, and Nicole has had a lot of boyfriends. I mean, a lot of boyfriends. In that time I've lived in Wisconsin, DC and on the distant and exotic North Side of Chicago. But I always had a home here on the south side, too – a bed at Nic's house or Sue and Bobs house. Homes that were always equipped with types of foods I liked, or the pretentious IPA's I drank.
From the first moment PJ came into Nicole's life, she was sure of him.  And before I even met him I was sure, too.  She can't mention his name without smiling. And when he claims that people used to call him Speedy Pete, and she pulls out her most serious face to tell him "Literally no one has ever called you Speedy Pete" – the warmth and love in her eyes is absolutely undeniable.
 
When PJ and Nic moved in together a year ago and 2556 became THEIR home, I never had to fear that I would lose my best friend to the domestic life. They continued to make me feel welcome there, too.  Like Nicole says, with PJ and her, nothing is "mine" and "yours" – everything is "ours" – Luckily for me, that included Nic's best friend, too.
 
We all are beneficiaries of Nicole's unconditional acceptance and love of all the people who have come into her life - and her almost magical ability to make other people the very best version of themselves.
 
Being Nicole's best friend has made me a better person. And, as I've progressively gotten hotter over the years, I've had to observe Nicole carefully to learn how to balance hotness with kindness.
 
The family we have is both the one we were each born with and the one we build; carefully constructed the way tiny birds build their nests from tooth picks and apple seeds.
 
PJ and I have a lot in common – but most importantly, we both have had the fine luck to be a part of Nicole's built family, and to learn from her what it truly means to be home.
 
To Nicole and PJ."

I cried when I read this. And I'm crying as I write this to you now. We both suffered the trauma and had the same damage. We both felt disconnected and homeless. We both felt abandoned. But I was always so JEALOUS of you. You traveled and experienced new things, while I remained trapped. And you built this massive & intense friend network. Everyone was your best friend. I kept my friend group and picked off anyone that caused me pain - creating the need to find brand new friends every couple of years.

But despite this difference, you were still seeking. And I never understood that. You accepted everyone as your friend and still felt unloved. You shifted and moved and still felt without a home. You clung to the families of your friends but still mourned the fact you never had your own.

Im sorry I was so wrapped up in my own pain to not hear yours.

Why did I not push our Tale of Two Sisters Blog more? Imagine if we had years of writings I could pour over? If I could go back and re-read your thoughts and (sort of) messages meant just for me? We only have a few posts before that blog crashes out, but reading through them is like hearing your voice. Not like the short form language we evolved to with texting, but real words with descriptive communication. I have little things now, here and there, that make me pretty sure you're still here. I'm waiting for a snarky text or meme at any moment. But as the days and weeks pass, I won't have that. The space will grow. How long can I maintain my sanity without having you at the other end?

I didn't even think to check this when I wrote you yesterday. She did message me. Today I talked to Kathleen and she said maybe you had something to do with it. She's got a whole lot more God / spiritual stuff going on that we do (obv) ... but maybe she's right.

Wow. Now how do I explain to you that Mary Zickus commented on my post about you? Losing you is so huge, but losing her friendship was probably the second largest loss of my life. How many times did we talk about her? I can't even count.

I felt happy seeing her comment. How did she find me? Was it random? Has she been watching me in some way? Why did she not reach out more directly? Can we maybe be friends again? Is it weird if I contact her? I mean ... I just want to talk all of this through with you. You seemingly brought Nicole and Kathleen back together, can you do it for me too? I miss you so much already. Sitting here trying to figure what advice you'd give me now.

As the tributes just keep rolling in, I wish I could just tell you one more time how proud and lucky I was to have you as my sister.

I mean, who else is gonna laugh at this stuff but you?

Such a whirlwind of events today. I think this will be one of your last days with us, but it's also Brooke and Lukes last day of school. It's hard to pair such an exciting day (and time) with the most horrible time. But it does bring balance. There are so many milestones that our future holds, that you will not be a part of. But every one of those milestones will make me think of you. 

Today as Brooke wishes ME the "best day" I can only promise to try. Because I know that you would try to live the best day, and I have to do the same.

The End of Vampire Diaries

Yesterday I saw that Candice King was getting divorced. There seems to be some juicy gossip attached to it, so I did some additional searching.

I then found out that they're cancelling Legacies. https://ew.com/tv/legacies-cancellation-vampire-diaries-universe-ending/

You didn't follow my deep-dive into the world of Vampires by continuing with The Originals and then Legacies, because you had better stuff to do. Haha. But we talked about Vampire Diaries all the time, and I got you to binge yourself through all of its seasons.

Who will I talk to about my YA television & movie binging? Who else understands my relationship to these characters? When I saw the gossip about a characters divorce, I immediately wanted to talk about it with you. Instead I now send my thoughts into the abyss.