I spent the last week of your life, and the 24 hours later, sitting and waiting. Hoping I'd be allowed to visit. Hoping I'd be included. Hoping someone would clue me in. I never thought all the decisions would be made without even including me. And I certainly never thought that it was assumed that I was just an acquaintance that should find out information like everyone else and that should participate as an outsider. This became increasingly traumatizing. Its still traumatizing. How can I process grief when anger at others is my primary emotion? How can I move forward when I'm sitting by my phone just waiting for a message, or being asked to be involved?

So I set an auto-respond to those that were consuming all of my thoughts.

I assume Quinn heard about my message to Miriam the previous night (where I tried to explain to her how rude it was to box me out and how it felt to have to Google your name to get information) because they messaged me with an attempt to ... see if I was sleeping ok. Really? How do you think I was sleeping. Their message and my automatic response is here:

Miriam follows later. Remember my last post? That I guess I was just an outsider and I'll try to pop into the wake on Thursday? Here is her response. 

I got one more message from Quinn this day (Sunday, two days after you died). It was your Obituary. It was published, without my input or any heads up.

Because this was a screenshot, I want to share the full obituary here

“Hope is the thing with feathers.” Emily Dickenson
“All birds are dinosaurs.” Jean Doan

Jean Stanula Doan Jean Stanula Doan (b 9-29-1982) of Chicago passed away on Friday, June 3, 2022 at 5:40 PM in the arms of her wife, closest companions, and her life-long furry friend, Eliot-the-Cat.  Jean died of organ failure resulting from colon cancer that spread to her liver.  Jean was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer on September 15, 2021, two and a half years after asking her doctor for a colonoscopy to ensure a lifetime of happiness with her family.  Her father, Jerome Stanley Stanula (deceased) died of colon cancer at the age of 53.  No one was less surprised and more enraged by her diagnosis than Jean herself.  

Jean is survived by her loving wife, Ruth Doan, her devoted sister Dawn Schneider, her loving mother, Terry Stanula, and her brother James Stanula.  Jean is also survived by her chosen family Quinn Drew, Michael O’Malley, and a gymnasium-full of friends, all of whom believe that they are, in fact, Jean’s best friend.  

Jean grew up in Orland Park, Chicago, and cultivated a true south-side appreciation for friendship, loyalty, hard work, hard drink, saving up for nice things, and making do with just enough in between.   

Jean was obsessed with natural history, most especially dinosaurs, her cat Eliot, time travel, musical theater, scientific writing and liberal politics and punditry.  She was an avid reader, as well as an incisive and entertaining writer.  She was an incredible boss and beloved employee at Rotary International.  She loved to travel and travel light (“less is more when you’re on the go”), and wrote incredible travel itineraries for our trips to London and New York City.  She even wooed her future wife while on a work trip to Australia.   

Jean’s intelligence, patience, and charm changed hearts and minds.  She healed broken friendships, and helped people see the world as a place where more people can belong.  She was a teacher.  She forgave people because she had faith in who we could be next time.  “I have been here before, I am here now,  I will be here again.” Roger Ebert from Life Itself 

We will collect sympathy cards at the visitation.  The visitation is scheduled at Curley Funeral Home on Thursday, June 9, from 2-8 PM.  The Funeral will be held at Graceland Cemetery on Friday, June 10, 2022 at 10:00 a.m., burial at 11:00 a.m. Attendees may drive in and will be guided to the chapel by Graceland staff.  All are welcome.  Post-funeral reception TBA.   

Please send flowers to Curley Funeral Home.  In lieu of flowers, Jean would love it if you made a donation to one of these two places:  

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://ethicalhumanistsociety.org/

(who is officiating her visitation and funeral free of charge).

Im not sure if its common to include a persons only family, or only sister, in the obituary writing. But I have to assume its often shared before publishing so that loved ones dont see it online first. Apparently I was not considered to be one of those people. How do I know this? Well, there is a specific line in the obituary that makes it pretty sure what Ruth was thinking at the time.

Kathleen had been trying to help with assembling photos for the wake. I am not sure how she was included, but she was appointed the person to gather her high school, college and 20's friends. Considering nobody in the newly proclaimed "best friends group" knew her that long, Kathleen was probably their only way to honor anything before Jean was 30.

Anyway, as Kathleen was not invited to visit Jean, and Nicole and I were specifically told we couldnt come in, I thought Id ask see how she felt about the fact that (according to the obituary) Jean died surrounded by her "closest companions". And to confirm I was not overreacting. I was not.
 

Its hard to try to write this all down. Thus, I disappear for a while after I post. It just takes me a while to process the feelings after I put it into words. 

The last I wrote, I described what happened the day you died. If you remember, I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant around the corner from your condo waiting to hear word when I (we) could come to see you. Nobody communicated anything with me - although Nicole was getting messages from "your people" working on final arrangements (specifically transporting your suit and a box of accessories to the funeral home). I had two margaritas and decided it was best to stop there. The anger was brewing. We were told we could being over tacos and leave, that visitors were not welcome. We dropped off those tacos (I insisted Michael bring Nicole up to say goodbye to you) and drove off. After I dropped Nicole off, Miriam called me to tell me you died.

That night was a mess. It was surreal. Honestly, it still is. I assumed the next morning I would be clued in on what was happening. Well, that was a stupid assumption.

The first message I got the next morning was from Kathleen. She just messaged to check in on me. The post she is referring to is one I made about you on Facebook.

Next I received a message from Nicole. When she and I departed I told her I would love to help with this suit drop off. Of course I wanted to be involved in your arrangements. Nicole was asked to drop off the suit on the South Side (where the funeral home was) because she was from the South Side. But she had no car and wasnt flexible and the plans were all over the place. I think she agreed in order to be involved - but it wasnt really even possible for her to do. 

So she messaged me trying to confirm that I could still do it. Also, she was obviously in communication with Quinn. I (at 11:17am) still heard nothing.

Part of that communication with Nicole involved her asking me where Jean was born. Obviously I knew this was not a random question. Nicole was getting asked information about Jean in order to complete death certificates and/or an obituary. Why were they asking Nicole?

Almost at the same time I get a message from Ruth, trying to confirm the same information. 

This was the first communication, if you recall, that I got from her in 2 days since June 2nd (and I wouldnt hear from here again until JUNE 7, but thats another post). That previous communication was a short response to a message I sent to her about your last wishes, in which she responded "Yes we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland."

Now maybe SHE was insulted I had not reached out to her, and thats why she leads with a factual request instead of any sort of acknowledgment of the fact my sister just died. But, I was clearly cut from communicating with her days prior, so expecting me to suddenly reach out would have been ridiculous. Instead, I believe I was only contacted because they could not acquire this info any other way.

And it continued. I got the same message from Quinn. They were all working together on final documents and obituary and plans. I was excluded. FYI, I was also kicked off the suit drop off. Despite no direct communication with anyone, I was told (by Quinn) that they had it covered.

At least this message acknowledged that maybe I was also dealing with something at that time.

Now, I spent all day Saturday wondering what was going on. We pretended things were normal with the kids (even attending Lukes baseball game) and waited to tell them when we could do it in a safe way. Family members messaged me wondering what the arrangements were. I had no clue. Nobody told me anything. I knew the arrangements were in process because 1) the funeral home doesnt just hold a body forever and 2) I know they were talking about places that could host after the funeral at one point we were together and Michael was looking into it. So, there were arrangements. Just ... nobody told me.

So I started Googling. Literally. I googled your name. And the funeral home popped up and the wake info was there. So I told my family the details I obtained by Googling you.

Which brings me to the last communication I received that day. The previous ones posted were the only ones, until 7:11pm when Miriam messaged me. And this really set me off. I dont remember if I Googled you before or after her message, but here they were sorting through memories of you. Of us. Of my kids. And you can tell by the photo that they were printing stuff out - arranging and preparing. Without including me or asking me to be involved in any way. 

I already said that I was pretty upset. Not only did I just lose my sister, but I was being totally boxed out. Could it get much worse? Yes, it could. Miriam responded.

Im not sure what more I can say about this one. "I dont think anything official has gone out?"

Her assumption was that I would get official notices. I was not part of the group that might need to know in advance. Or, maybe out of courtesy, have the honor of being included. And then she tried to change the subject. And send me cute pics of you that she was assembling. Seriously? Seriously.  I also love the parts where she tells me "Ruth had a huge day" at the funeral home and cemetery and then lets me know she is going to lay low to restore. I cant think of anything more tactless she could have written. My response is also included.

Remember how many years you didn't have a tree? I bought you that ornament in Poland and held onto it for like 10 years.

Couldn't let you spend another Christmas without one.

We've got the whole family there under the tree. You're the Angel :)

To begin, I personally never thought Freddy Prinze Jr was that good looking (at least from recollection). The only thing I even remember him in was She's All That.

And then I think he disappeared.

But he's back in this holiday move and WOW. He looked horrible. Wrinkles everywhere. Receding hairline. Bald spot in the back. And ridiculously weird facial movements.

All I could think was that he needed some Botox and a hair transplant. And how old is this guy? So I looked him up. 46. Same age as me. I mean, I don't look that old ... right?

And as I sat through this movie mocking him and spent the rest of the day thinking about it, all I wanted to do was talk to you. Who else will listen to me say such things and not think I'm a horrible person? Who else understands my total love of horrible movies? My obsession with YA? There isn't a person in the world that gets me, really in any way. Am I to spend the rest of my life misunderstood? Or will I continually have to keep my thoughts and ideas to myself because you're the only one that doesn't judge the brokenness of the person with those thoughts / comments?

Honestly, he looks horrible. Right?

I'd like to say some days are harder or easier than others. But they are not. All days are hard. Every day I still have to remind myself you are gone. Things are permanent.

This holiday season is weighing heavy. I've been able to keep myself busy and focused and not think about hog all day, until recently. Now it's 24/7. Yesterday I was feeling highly sensitive all day, so it's not a surprise it ended poorly.

First Luke at bedtime mentioned that he's never seen me cry more than I did at your wake. Then he asked when we can go visit Graceland. It's a thought I've had in my head (getting the kids all to see you) and haven't really pulled it together. Jeff and I talked a little about it after Luke was asleep.

I decided to go to bed early. I just couldn't adult anymore last night. I laid in bed and (stupidly) watched a movie until way too late. Before I went to sleep I (stupidly) checked my email and saw this.

The holidays are always hard for me because they're such a reminder that we didn't get the childhood or family we deserved. And now this year, the one thing I had (you) has also been stolen from me. It's exhausting being 46 years old and still feeling the loss of what we ever had. But mentally I have been able to deal with it because I know my kids will not repeat our lives. But losing you is such a reminder that not only is that pain still there, but it continues to mount. I'm tired and sad and angry. It's hard to move past all of those feelings to a point of acceptance. I miss you more every day.