Its hard to try to write this all down. Thus, I disappear for a while after I post. It just takes me a while to process the feelings after I put it into words. 

The last I wrote, I described what happened the day you died. If you remember, I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant around the corner from your condo waiting to hear word when I (we) could come to see you. Nobody communicated anything with me - although Nicole was getting messages from "your people" working on final arrangements (specifically transporting your suit and a box of accessories to the funeral home). I had two margaritas and decided it was best to stop there. The anger was brewing. We were told we could being over tacos and leave, that visitors were not welcome. We dropped off those tacos (I insisted Michael bring Nicole up to say goodbye to you) and drove off. After I dropped Nicole off, Miriam called me to tell me you died.

That night was a mess. It was surreal. Honestly, it still is. I assumed the next morning I would be clued in on what was happening. Well, that was a stupid assumption.

The first message I got the next morning was from Kathleen. She just messaged to check in on me. The post she is referring to is one I made about you on Facebook.

Next I received a message from Nicole. When she and I departed I told her I would love to help with this suit drop off. Of course I wanted to be involved in your arrangements. Nicole was asked to drop off the suit on the South Side (where the funeral home was) because she was from the South Side. But she had no car and wasnt flexible and the plans were all over the place. I think she agreed in order to be involved - but it wasnt really even possible for her to do. 

So she messaged me trying to confirm that I could still do it. Also, she was obviously in communication with Quinn. I (at 11:17am) still heard nothing.

Part of that communication with Nicole involved her asking me where Jean was born. Obviously I knew this was not a random question. Nicole was getting asked information about Jean in order to complete death certificates and/or an obituary. Why were they asking Nicole?

Almost at the same time I get a message from Ruth, trying to confirm the same information. 

This was the first communication, if you recall, that I got from her in 2 days since June 2nd (and I wouldnt hear from here again until JUNE 7, but thats another post). That previous communication was a short response to a message I sent to her about your last wishes, in which she responded "Yes we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland."

Now maybe SHE was insulted I had not reached out to her, and thats why she leads with a factual request instead of any sort of acknowledgment of the fact my sister just died. But, I was clearly cut from communicating with her days prior, so expecting me to suddenly reach out would have been ridiculous. Instead, I believe I was only contacted because they could not acquire this info any other way.

And it continued. I got the same message from Quinn. They were all working together on final documents and obituary and plans. I was excluded. FYI, I was also kicked off the suit drop off. Despite no direct communication with anyone, I was told (by Quinn) that they had it covered.

At least this message acknowledged that maybe I was also dealing with something at that time.

Now, I spent all day Saturday wondering what was going on. We pretended things were normal with the kids (even attending Lukes baseball game) and waited to tell them when we could do it in a safe way. Family members messaged me wondering what the arrangements were. I had no clue. Nobody told me anything. I knew the arrangements were in process because 1) the funeral home doesnt just hold a body forever and 2) I know they were talking about places that could host after the funeral at one point we were together and Michael was looking into it. So, there were arrangements. Just ... nobody told me.

So I started Googling. Literally. I googled your name. And the funeral home popped up and the wake info was there. So I told my family the details I obtained by Googling you.

Which brings me to the last communication I received that day. The previous ones posted were the only ones, until 7:11pm when Miriam messaged me. And this really set me off. I dont remember if I Googled you before or after her message, but here they were sorting through memories of you. Of us. Of my kids. And you can tell by the photo that they were printing stuff out - arranging and preparing. Without including me or asking me to be involved in any way. 

I already said that I was pretty upset. Not only did I just lose my sister, but I was being totally boxed out. Could it get much worse? Yes, it could. Miriam responded.

Im not sure what more I can say about this one. "I dont think anything official has gone out?"

Her assumption was that I would get official notices. I was not part of the group that might need to know in advance. Or, maybe out of courtesy, have the honor of being included. And then she tried to change the subject. And send me cute pics of you that she was assembling. Seriously? Seriously.  I also love the parts where she tells me "Ruth had a huge day" at the funeral home and cemetery and then lets me know she is going to lay low to restore. I cant think of anything more tactless she could have written. My response is also included.