I meant to write this a bit ago, but its been hard for me to process my thoughts lately. Last weekend, I was missing you. I dont remember what triggered it (this is the issue with not writing immediately) but there was some sort of trigger. So I went to my phone to look at our old text messages ... and they were gone.

This triggered a massive spiral. I cant even describe it. But, the generic notion is that I have nothing left of you. We dont have childhood photos. We are limited in childhood memories. I dont really have tangible items of yours to cling to (there are maybe three things I have, and two of them are a little more recent). All I have are these messages. 

I knew they were important, but I didnt know how much they represented all I have left of you. And when they were lost it was like losing you again. Admittedly, I've not done a lot in terms of coping with your loss still. I'm doing more ignoring and sheltering than coping. But, the shock of those messages being gone is a feeling that I couldnt really describe with words.

One of the issues that made this feeling more complicated was that I did it to myself. My phone is short on storage space and we have way too many photos. At some point, I must have changed settings to maximize storage space. I changed a setting (or let my phone change the setting) to delete text messages after they are a year old. This makes sense, logically. Who needs text messages from 12+ months ago? Well, I do.

So I had a lot of guilt and trauma about not keeping these messages out of my own neglect. I never figured out the storage issue. I've been lazy in figuring out how to keep all of these photos stored - and so they're on my phone instead of moving them off. I spent the day hating myself and crying.

But there is one positive thing to this ineptitude in storage. I had a low storage plan for storage backup and THAT has been used up. Because of that my phone (and all the phones in this house) have not been backed up since LAST NOVEMBER. Almost a year ago. So I lost your messages because I didnt have room, but also didnt back up because I didnt have room.

Are you doing the math?

I restored my phone back to November of 2022. Your messages were there.

Now, there is a bit more to this story. Before I restored my phone back to the olden days, I did a backup of my current phone (so I didnt lose the last year of stuff). Apparently, that backup failed. I spent two days trying to recover that. Also crying. I was unable. 

I now have a phone that lost all data over the last year. I lost text messages from the kids. And the weird feeling that if something were to happen to them now, that I chose to lose those texts in order to regain yours. Today its a logical choice. I need those messages from you. But when you live in constant fear of loss, this deliberate choice was also painful.

Ultimately, when it comes down to it... All I have left of you are about 7,500 text messages we shared over the time period that is on my phone (after backup). There is a little more to say about this that involves the period not long after you died. But I still have yet to cover the day of your funeral and dont think jumping forward a few weeks makes total sense.