Its hard to try to write this all down. Thus, I disappear for a while after I post. It just takes me a while to process the feelings after I put it into words. 

The last I wrote, I described what happened the day you died. If you remember, I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant around the corner from your condo waiting to hear word when I (we) could come to see you. Nobody communicated anything with me - although Nicole was getting messages from "your people" working on final arrangements (specifically transporting your suit and a box of accessories to the funeral home). I had two margaritas and decided it was best to stop there. The anger was brewing. We were told we could being over tacos and leave, that visitors were not welcome. We dropped off those tacos (I insisted Michael bring Nicole up to say goodbye to you) and drove off. After I dropped Nicole off, Miriam called me to tell me you died.

That night was a mess. It was surreal. Honestly, it still is. I assumed the next morning I would be clued in on what was happening. Well, that was a stupid assumption.

The first message I got the next morning was from Kathleen. She just messaged to check in on me. The post she is referring to is one I made about you on Facebook.

Next I received a message from Nicole. When she and I departed I told her I would love to help with this suit drop off. Of course I wanted to be involved in your arrangements. Nicole was asked to drop off the suit on the South Side (where the funeral home was) because she was from the South Side. But she had no car and wasnt flexible and the plans were all over the place. I think she agreed in order to be involved - but it wasnt really even possible for her to do. 

So she messaged me trying to confirm that I could still do it. Also, she was obviously in communication with Quinn. I (at 11:17am) still heard nothing.

Part of that communication with Nicole involved her asking me where Jean was born. Obviously I knew this was not a random question. Nicole was getting asked information about Jean in order to complete death certificates and/or an obituary. Why were they asking Nicole?

Almost at the same time I get a message from Ruth, trying to confirm the same information. 

This was the first communication, if you recall, that I got from her in 2 days since June 2nd (and I wouldnt hear from here again until JUNE 7, but thats another post). That previous communication was a short response to a message I sent to her about your last wishes, in which she responded "Yes we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland."

Now maybe SHE was insulted I had not reached out to her, and thats why she leads with a factual request instead of any sort of acknowledgment of the fact my sister just died. But, I was clearly cut from communicating with her days prior, so expecting me to suddenly reach out would have been ridiculous. Instead, I believe I was only contacted because they could not acquire this info any other way.

And it continued. I got the same message from Quinn. They were all working together on final documents and obituary and plans. I was excluded. FYI, I was also kicked off the suit drop off. Despite no direct communication with anyone, I was told (by Quinn) that they had it covered.

At least this message acknowledged that maybe I was also dealing with something at that time.

Now, I spent all day Saturday wondering what was going on. We pretended things were normal with the kids (even attending Lukes baseball game) and waited to tell them when we could do it in a safe way. Family members messaged me wondering what the arrangements were. I had no clue. Nobody told me anything. I knew the arrangements were in process because 1) the funeral home doesnt just hold a body forever and 2) I know they were talking about places that could host after the funeral at one point we were together and Michael was looking into it. So, there were arrangements. Just ... nobody told me.

So I started Googling. Literally. I googled your name. And the funeral home popped up and the wake info was there. So I told my family the details I obtained by Googling you.

Which brings me to the last communication I received that day. The previous ones posted were the only ones, until 7:11pm when Miriam messaged me. And this really set me off. I dont remember if I Googled you before or after her message, but here they were sorting through memories of you. Of us. Of my kids. And you can tell by the photo that they were printing stuff out - arranging and preparing. Without including me or asking me to be involved in any way. 

I already said that I was pretty upset. Not only did I just lose my sister, but I was being totally boxed out. Could it get much worse? Yes, it could. Miriam responded.

Im not sure what more I can say about this one. "I dont think anything official has gone out?"

Her assumption was that I would get official notices. I was not part of the group that might need to know in advance. Or, maybe out of courtesy, have the honor of being included. And then she tried to change the subject. And send me cute pics of you that she was assembling. Seriously? Seriously.  I also love the parts where she tells me "Ruth had a huge day" at the funeral home and cemetery and then lets me know she is going to lay low to restore. I cant think of anything more tactless she could have written. My response is also included.

Remember how many years you didn't have a tree? I bought you that ornament in Poland and held onto it for like 10 years.

Couldn't let you spend another Christmas without one.

We've got the whole family there under the tree. You're the Angel :)

To begin, I personally never thought Freddy Prinze Jr was that good looking (at least from recollection). The only thing I even remember him in was She's All That.

And then I think he disappeared.

But he's back in this holiday move and WOW. He looked horrible. Wrinkles everywhere. Receding hairline. Bald spot in the back. And ridiculously weird facial movements.

All I could think was that he needed some Botox and a hair transplant. And how old is this guy? So I looked him up. 46. Same age as me. I mean, I don't look that old ... right?

And as I sat through this movie mocking him and spent the rest of the day thinking about it, all I wanted to do was talk to you. Who else will listen to me say such things and not think I'm a horrible person? Who else understands my total love of horrible movies? My obsession with YA? There isn't a person in the world that gets me, really in any way. Am I to spend the rest of my life misunderstood? Or will I continually have to keep my thoughts and ideas to myself because you're the only one that doesn't judge the brokenness of the person with those thoughts / comments?

Honestly, he looks horrible. Right?

I'd like to say some days are harder or easier than others. But they are not. All days are hard. Every day I still have to remind myself you are gone. Things are permanent.

This holiday season is weighing heavy. I've been able to keep myself busy and focused and not think about hog all day, until recently. Now it's 24/7. Yesterday I was feeling highly sensitive all day, so it's not a surprise it ended poorly.

First Luke at bedtime mentioned that he's never seen me cry more than I did at your wake. Then he asked when we can go visit Graceland. It's a thought I've had in my head (getting the kids all to see you) and haven't really pulled it together. Jeff and I talked a little about it after Luke was asleep.

I decided to go to bed early. I just couldn't adult anymore last night. I laid in bed and (stupidly) watched a movie until way too late. Before I went to sleep I (stupidly) checked my email and saw this.

The holidays are always hard for me because they're such a reminder that we didn't get the childhood or family we deserved. And now this year, the one thing I had (you) has also been stolen from me. It's exhausting being 46 years old and still feeling the loss of what we ever had. But mentally I have been able to deal with it because I know my kids will not repeat our lives. But losing you is such a reminder that not only is that pain still there, but it continues to mount. I'm tired and sad and angry. It's hard to move past all of those feelings to a point of acceptance. I miss you more every day.

Again, things continued to get worse. Friday, June 3rd I was completely cut out of all communication. This was your last day, your last hours. Maybe people could say that they didnt know time was so short - but thats a lie. You can tell by this (my only communication) informing me that you were "still with us." Because there was clearly an expectation that you might not be. I would have to assume that some people would understand that these minutes were important to others besides themselves, but that did not seem to be the case. After this message, I waited for a follow up. But, this was it. My last communication.

 

From this first message, the "Jean is still with us," I just waited. There was no update. So, again, I followed up. The day before we were told we'd be able to come over at 3 (which was what I was waiting on) and figured Id double check. So I sent this message around lunchtime. There was no "circling back."

At 12:35 pm Nicole messaged me and asked if we were still allowed to go see you. She traveled in from Arizona and saw you briefly on Thursday. When she left, she had the same expectation as I did ... that we would see you again. I told her that I had heard nothing, but she told me she had received a small communication (more than me at least). At 10:53 she received a message from Ruth's number, sent by Miriam, and forwarded that along to me.

I still heard nothing, and Nicole only had this one communication. After hearing nothing, we decided to meet at a restaurant close to your house for lunch. We figured if we could be close, then we could get there fast. She and I met at a local Mexican restaurant at 2:10. While I was there, Nicole was receiving some communication. She was told we could not come over anymore. All visits were cancelled. But she was welcome to drop them off some lunch. Miriam also started communicating with her about final plans for Jean. They wanted the suit Jean wore to her wedding to be dropped of at the Funeral Home. As Nicole was from the South Side (where the funeral home was) they seemed to think she would be a good person to transport needed items. I received nothing. So I followed up myself.

Apparently, Miriam expected Nicole to be giving me some updates. I was not in a need-to-know situation. When I asked what the heck was going on ... she just asked (insinuated) that I was with Nicole. That would mean ... I knew what was going on?

After waiting and waiting all day - and never having a person directly contact me (apparently there was a group text sent that I was not on?) I was told that Ruth was no longer doing visitors. It was all too much for her. Nobody could come over. This is the message. This was my communication. On your last day. 

But, communicated to Nicole, she and I could deliver them lunch. Here is the group message from Miriam to Nicole and myself. At 4PM. Ruth was real excited about the tacos.

Nicole and I ordered a bunch of tacos. We went to drop them off - both feeling very angry. Nicole was really upset. She told Jean she would be back to visit and felt distraught over the idea of a broken promise. When we arrived, Michael came down. Despite the "no visitors" there was a house full. Miriam, Michael, Quinn, Ruths other sister ... and I dont remember who else. Michael looked exhausted. While out with us he was trying to get in touch with a new night nurse (the one from previous night was horrendous and messed up medication in addition to other things). He told us it was "like Lord of the Flies" in your condo with infighting and drama. I told Michael that Nicole needed to see Jean. He called up to get her visit approved, and brought her in while I waited downstairs. 

I pondered demanding the same thing. But it was already so bad. And I was so angry. I wanted my last memories of Jean to be ... peaceful? I said goodbye to her the day before, not knowing if there would be another day. And her last days were so horrific. I decided to say nothing. 

Nicole and I left there and I dropped her at a friends house around 5:30pm. A couple minutes later Miriam called to tell me that you died.

 Things got increasingly insane over the next few days. I am not, in any way, questioning the insanity or the emotional shit that was going on here. You were dying. It was faster than expected. It was chaos.

On Thursday (this is June 2nd, one day before you passed) I just waited and waited for communication. Again, I had heard nothing. When I left on Wednesday you were in bad shape. You were confused and frightened and I had told Ruth (and Miriam) that they were undermedicating you. Ruth was keeping meds to a minimum in order to keep you more alert out of a desire to keep interacting with you. This is the failure of every stupid movie that demonstrates a person near death has the ability to have these lovely goodbyes. Sometimes that happens ... but not with cancer. Cancer eats you. It destroys you. A person during their last moments of a cancer battle is not chatting and having heart-to-hearts. Its agaonizing death. I begged her to maximize your meds so that you could rest and have more peace during your last days. 

I made my first attempt at 6 in the morning. I literally had not slept all night and was just sitting there, home by myself, waiting to hear what was going on with my sister. The day before a nurse had informed us my sister was "in transition" and the last I heard/saw was leaving her home as a night nurse was settling in. At this point, Ruth's sister (Miriam) appeared to be my only point of communication. I messaged her ... and it was three hours until a response. 

 

At this point Miram told me that they had changed her medications and that Jean "slept well." This was my last communication with Miriam that day.

I also tried to go directly to Ruth to see if I could get more information - something. I was paying for them to have weekly cleaners and they were due to come over, so I figured a reminder on that might be a good poke.  I got a thanks, but that was it. 

I did message her one more time that day, partly (again) trying to get ANYTHING. And I explained that I heard them making some calls regarding services etc the day before and though I'm sure Jean and her discussed it that I was slightly worried Jean was allowing plans to be made to accomodate others instead of what maybe she'd really want. Jean mentioned to me that she was considering having her wake on the South Side to primairly account for our mother and that made me ... nervous? Anyway, I suggested to Ruth that decisions should be made based on what Jean (and she) really want and not to accomodate others. 

She responded that "we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland" (at 3:33pm) and that was it. Again, no asking for help or info, inviting opinion, etc. This was a done deal and I'd just been informed.

 

I resorted back to Quinn that day, who was clearly receiving updates when I wasnt. 

I had waited literally all day - just sitting there. 24 or so hours before you died. I finally got word from Quinn (who had talked to Ruth) and informed me we were given a window to visit that night. So I needed to wait until 6pm. I spent the day running from store to store trying to get clothes for my kids to wear to your funeral and wake. They had no dress clothes, and no dress shoes. This is what I did during your last hours.

And this is when it really got bad. If thats even possible. The 6-9 period was like an open house for grief. People were in and out (all a very small select group of friends) during that period, many just sat around in their main room to talk. 

At this point Jean was no longer conscious. She was in a sleep state, looking fairly peaceful. People went in and out of her room to say goodbye. 

We were clearly escorted out at 9pm, with a new night nurse checking in. I was essentially told ... dont contact us we will contact you. We could come back at 3PM the next day.

While there on Tuesday I did indicate to Ruth that I thought she needed more help. Jean was confused and combative, and Ruth told me she (Jean) had fallen the night before. I clearly indicated my desire to help, as did many others. I was not taken up on that.

On Wed, Karen and Jillian were supposed to visit. I messaged her to remind her (also as a poke because I was getting no info) and was told all visits were now cancelled. She said her sister was coming over. Because info was so … sparse … I also started texting Quinn.

Quinn always had the info before me. When I said visits were cancelled, they already knew.

At 9am, Miriam, Ruth's sister messaged me. I assumed this was my new point of contact and was happy I'd be able to get info.

I wasn't invited over so I offered help via food and suggested I bring lunch. I showed up around 11am with sandwiches. While I was there, the hospice nurse came. We were notified that you “were in transition” … a real weird way to say you were dying and that time was up.

Jeff was out of town in Detroit during all of this. I let him know what was happening and he began the journey back. I called Jeff’s parents in to help that night. I needed to go get my kids from school and left around 2:30. When I left, there were quite a few people there. A nurse was being called in overnight to help with Jean. I ordered a bunch of stuff from Target delivery to help with things they needed around the house.

I got the kids and met up with my in-laws. I grabbed a ton of pillows and blankets, assuming that myself (and others) would be camping out at your place that night. I returned to your place after setting things up with Rick & Kathy and the kids. Other people came in and out that night, Michael & Brian, Miriam, etc.. Again, some of this is already getting confusing. Kathleen (a High School friend) was there that night and we chatted quite a bit. This becomes important later.

While I was there planning was happening for the wake and/or funeral. Calls were being made to find a service provider and (I think) this is when I noticed them start looking at plots. Perhaps this was the next day, because its (already getting blurry). My input was not requested and no information was provided to me.

The night nurse showed up and I was there while Ruth explained the medication and showed him where he’d sleep. At that point I was told it was all good there and guided out the door.