Again, things continued to get worse. Friday, June 3rd I was completely cut out of all communication. This was your last day, your last hours. Maybe people could say that they didnt know time was so short - but thats a lie. You can tell by this (my only communication) informing me that you were "still with us." Because there was clearly an expectation that you might not be. I would have to assume that some people would understand that these minutes were important to others besides themselves, but that did not seem to be the case. After this message, I waited for a follow up. But, this was it. My last communication.

 

From this first message, the "Jean is still with us," I just waited. There was no update. So, again, I followed up. The day before we were told we'd be able to come over at 3 (which was what I was waiting on) and figured Id double check. So I sent this message around lunchtime. There was no "circling back."

At 12:35 pm Nicole messaged me and asked if we were still allowed to go see you. She traveled in from Arizona and saw you briefly on Thursday. When she left, she had the same expectation as I did ... that we would see you again. I told her that I had heard nothing, but she told me she had received a small communication (more than me at least). At 10:53 she received a message from Ruth's number, sent by Miriam, and forwarded that along to me.

I still heard nothing, and Nicole only had this one communication. After hearing nothing, we decided to meet at a restaurant close to your house for lunch. We figured if we could be close, then we could get there fast. She and I met at a local Mexican restaurant at 2:10. While I was there, Nicole was receiving some communication. She was told we could not come over anymore. All visits were cancelled. But she was welcome to drop them off some lunch. Miriam also started communicating with her about final plans for Jean. They wanted the suit Jean wore to her wedding to be dropped of at the Funeral Home. As Nicole was from the South Side (where the funeral home was) they seemed to think she would be a good person to transport needed items. I received nothing. So I followed up myself.

Apparently, Miriam expected Nicole to be giving me some updates. I was not in a need-to-know situation. When I asked what the heck was going on ... she just asked (insinuated) that I was with Nicole. That would mean ... I knew what was going on?

After waiting and waiting all day - and never having a person directly contact me (apparently there was a group text sent that I was not on?) I was told that Ruth was no longer doing visitors. It was all too much for her. Nobody could come over. This is the message. This was my communication. On your last day. 

But, communicated to Nicole, she and I could deliver them lunch. Here is the group message from Miriam to Nicole and myself. At 4PM. Ruth was real excited about the tacos.

Nicole and I ordered a bunch of tacos. We went to drop them off - both feeling very angry. Nicole was really upset. She told Jean she would be back to visit and felt distraught over the idea of a broken promise. When we arrived, Michael came down. Despite the "no visitors" there was a house full. Miriam, Michael, Quinn, Ruths other sister ... and I dont remember who else. Michael looked exhausted. While out with us he was trying to get in touch with a new night nurse (the one from previous night was horrendous and messed up medication in addition to other things). He told us it was "like Lord of the Flies" in your condo with infighting and drama. I told Michael that Nicole needed to see Jean. He called up to get her visit approved, and brought her in while I waited downstairs. 

I pondered demanding the same thing. But it was already so bad. And I was so angry. I wanted my last memories of Jean to be ... peaceful? I said goodbye to her the day before, not knowing if there would be another day. And her last days were so horrific. I decided to say nothing. 

Nicole and I left there and I dropped her at a friends house around 5:30pm. A couple minutes later Miriam called to tell me that you died.

 Things got increasingly insane over the next few days. I am not, in any way, questioning the insanity or the emotional shit that was going on here. You were dying. It was faster than expected. It was chaos.

On Thursday (this is June 2nd, one day before you passed) I just waited and waited for communication. Again, I had heard nothing. When I left on Wednesday you were in bad shape. You were confused and frightened and I had told Ruth (and Miriam) that they were undermedicating you. Ruth was keeping meds to a minimum in order to keep you more alert out of a desire to keep interacting with you. This is the failure of every stupid movie that demonstrates a person near death has the ability to have these lovely goodbyes. Sometimes that happens ... but not with cancer. Cancer eats you. It destroys you. A person during their last moments of a cancer battle is not chatting and having heart-to-hearts. Its agaonizing death. I begged her to maximize your meds so that you could rest and have more peace during your last days. 

I made my first attempt at 6 in the morning. I literally had not slept all night and was just sitting there, home by myself, waiting to hear what was going on with my sister. The day before a nurse had informed us my sister was "in transition" and the last I heard/saw was leaving her home as a night nurse was settling in. At this point, Ruth's sister (Miriam) appeared to be my only point of communication. I messaged her ... and it was three hours until a response. 

 

At this point Miram told me that they had changed her medications and that Jean "slept well." This was my last communication with Miriam that day.

I also tried to go directly to Ruth to see if I could get more information - something. I was paying for them to have weekly cleaners and they were due to come over, so I figured a reminder on that might be a good poke.  I got a thanks, but that was it. 

I did message her one more time that day, partly (again) trying to get ANYTHING. And I explained that I heard them making some calls regarding services etc the day before and though I'm sure Jean and her discussed it that I was slightly worried Jean was allowing plans to be made to accomodate others instead of what maybe she'd really want. Jean mentioned to me that she was considering having her wake on the South Side to primairly account for our mother and that made me ... nervous? Anyway, I suggested to Ruth that decisions should be made based on what Jean (and she) really want and not to accomodate others. 

She responded that "we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland" (at 3:33pm) and that was it. Again, no asking for help or info, inviting opinion, etc. This was a done deal and I'd just been informed.

 

I resorted back to Quinn that day, who was clearly receiving updates when I wasnt. 

I had waited literally all day - just sitting there. 24 or so hours before you died. I finally got word from Quinn (who had talked to Ruth) and informed me we were given a window to visit that night. So I needed to wait until 6pm. I spent the day running from store to store trying to get clothes for my kids to wear to your funeral and wake. They had no dress clothes, and no dress shoes. This is what I did during your last hours.

And this is when it really got bad. If thats even possible. The 6-9 period was like an open house for grief. People were in and out (all a very small select group of friends) during that period, many just sat around in their main room to talk. 

At this point Jean was no longer conscious. She was in a sleep state, looking fairly peaceful. People went in and out of her room to say goodbye. 

We were clearly escorted out at 9pm, with a new night nurse checking in. I was essentially told ... dont contact us we will contact you. We could come back at 3PM the next day.

While there on Tuesday I did indicate to Ruth that I thought she needed more help. Jean was confused and combative, and Ruth told me she (Jean) had fallen the night before. I clearly indicated my desire to help, as did many others. I was not taken up on that.

On Wed, Karen and Jillian were supposed to visit. I messaged her to remind her (also as a poke because I was getting no info) and was told all visits were now cancelled. She said her sister was coming over. Because info was so … sparse … I also started texting Quinn.

Quinn always had the info before me. When I said visits were cancelled, they already knew.

At 9am, Miriam, Ruth's sister messaged me. I assumed this was my new point of contact and was happy I'd be able to get info.

I wasn't invited over so I offered help via food and suggested I bring lunch. I showed up around 11am with sandwiches. While I was there, the hospice nurse came. We were notified that you “were in transition” … a real weird way to say you were dying and that time was up.

Jeff was out of town in Detroit during all of this. I let him know what was happening and he began the journey back. I called Jeff’s parents in to help that night. I needed to go get my kids from school and left around 2:30. When I left, there were quite a few people there. A nurse was being called in overnight to help with Jean. I ordered a bunch of stuff from Target delivery to help with things they needed around the house.

I got the kids and met up with my in-laws. I grabbed a ton of pillows and blankets, assuming that myself (and others) would be camping out at your place that night. I returned to your place after setting things up with Rick & Kathy and the kids. Other people came in and out that night, Michael & Brian, Miriam, etc.. Again, some of this is already getting confusing. Kathleen (a High School friend) was there that night and we chatted quite a bit. This becomes important later.

While I was there planning was happening for the wake and/or funeral. Calls were being made to find a service provider and (I think) this is when I noticed them start looking at plots. Perhaps this was the next day, because its (already getting blurry). My input was not requested and no information was provided to me.

The night nurse showed up and I was there while Ruth explained the medication and showed him where he’d sleep. At that point I was told it was all good there and guided out the door.

Instead of just holding onto anger, I figured I'd start to lay down my facts. You know, for the book ;)

Ultimately as time goes by I'll hold onto the feelings, but I'll be less familiar with the facts.

I want to start with our broken connection. I don't think we texted daily. But we texted quote often. Friday, May 27th was the last you and I chatted via text. That afternoon the kids and I dropped off some compression socks to you. You were experiencing a lot of leg swelling and pain, and I had some pairs for running. We chatted via text about dropping them off, and then I saw you that day. It was the last time the kids got to see you. You came down the stairs and gingerly came to the gate. The kids (mostly Brooke) were shocked at how much you had declined. That night we went over there to move box spring to basement. Ruth said you was not doing well and to not bring kids in (you were all in the car, we brought you with because we had a feeling it would be the last visit). We got there around 815pm and moved the mattress. You were laying on the couch, still chatting but definitely confused. The kids were aware that night (when we got back to the car) that they would never see you again. Brooke cried.

The next morning I sent you an article. I remember I did it more as a poke. I didn't want to keep harassing you. So I figured I'd send a link to a Dino discovery and you'd reply and we could chat. But you never replied.

Prior to that I asked Ruth via text how things were going, it was 8am. Just got a "we're ok" and "jean taking a bath" I prodded more. Was told you were "a little more lucid" but that "hasnt eaten much yet." It was at this point I send you the message, with no response. Since you were in the bath I assumed you were up and at least conscious in some way. No response.

I had promised to get an estate plan together and it was done. I got the attorney to come that night. Time was not only short but you needed to be of sound mind to sign docs. We went at 9pm and signed your Estate Plan and Power of Attorney docs.

There was radio silence from that point, so I texted Ruth at 420 pm Sunday, trying to arrange a visit with Karen & Jillian. Plans were made to come on Wed, and I was allowed to come help on Tuesday, which was Ruth's last day of work.

There were things between these two points, but when I arrived on Tuesday Jean was often looking for her watch and phone. Quinn let me know that Ruth had taken them both away from Jean because it was confusing her.

I understand this decision. But cannot believe nobody thought to maybe tell me I would no longer have any communication with my sister. Obviously others knew, like Quinn. This was the first sign of the inside vs outside mentality and the display as to where I belonged (clearly not on the inside). It just escalated from there.

As we sang Happy Birthday (in horrible voices) she sat like this. After she blew out her candle I saw tears in her eyes.

I sent the boys on a walk and asked her what was wrong. She told me she missed you. She's been thinking about you all week, dreading today. Because you don't get to see her turn 14. And you don't get to see any of her birthdays. You don't get to see her grow up.

I assured her that you were so proud of her and you would be so proud of her today. And that you will always be a part of her birthday.

I also had to warn her that holidays will not be easy for a long time. And that was a pretty crappy thing to have to admit.

We left you a little present. Happy Birthday Jean. Love You!

Luke has soccer this fall, and he practices down the lake. Every time I go I pass by your place.

Sometimes I think how it would have been great to be able to pop in to say hello on the way there or back, or invite you to a game. Then I feel guilty because I probably would never have invited you ... I always felt so awkward asking (or expecting) you to give up your time for a silly kids activity.

And then I just feel sad. I give anything to be able to have more time with you. Either now or in the past. How did I miss so many opportunities before, and how can it possibly be that I'm out of opportunities now? It just doesn't make sense.