Gosh I miss you so much today. It's at that point where the initial period is past ... that shock period. And now everyday I just have to remind myself it's real. You're really not coming back. That's impossibly hard to swallow.

I forgot to tell you. Eliot is looking good! He was cuddly and lovey and Brooke snapped a pic. He's handsome as ever.

Went by your place tonight so Brooke could snoop through your jewelry. She took three things: a pair of Dino earrings, a sparkly "fancy" necklace and that watch Jim gave you. They were very intentional picks, and she didn't even know how much you were really into watches. On the way back I talked to her about your love of watches (glossing over where that one came from) and how you always had one. I could tell that made her feel very happy she chose it. I'm glad she is collecting and keeping little pieces of you.

Brooke and I went to a farmers market this morning. There was a woman that made jewelry out of books. All I could think about was how much you'd love that idea. Then we found this charm, and I cried. Would I have thought about getting it for you last summer? I don't know. But today? I wanted to get it for you so bad. All I can think about is what I could have done with more time. What I could/would have done differently. I think all the way back to our childhood and regret not pushing more for us to develop our relationship, all the way up to your last few days. Would this charm change anything? It's hard to keep seeing things that make me filled with regret instead of joy. I hope someday that changes.

Dear Jean,

A promise is a promise. We started training for Stan's 5K! Brooke and Jeff were not home and the weather was too nice to pass up. So we risked it. We brought Luke.

He made it the whole mile.

I checked my Runkeeper and guess when my last run was? June 27 ... 2020. Whoops.

I know it's a small world, but geez! Recently I've been messaging with a plethora of your old friends and connections. But not that long ago I was chatting with Maureen. She said she was coming into town from California for a short period. She was asking about mom and if she should stop in there, and I gave her the short version of the whole long story.

Anyway the fam and I were wrapping up some ice cream in downtown New Buffalo and this girl comes up to me. I'm pretty sure you can already guess where this is going, but it was her! So after all this chatting back-and-forth we actually had the chance to connect (on a random street in Michigan) for a couple of minutes. She got to see the kids, we had to talk about you, and it felt really nice. Obviously it would've been better if she got to see you or you guys got to see each other, but it is still kind of cool I'm getting a chance to connect with some of your old friends. Certainly doesn't make anything better but I think it helps with some of the processing. Miss you!

I signed myself, Brooke and Ryan up for the donut run. I really don't want to run. They really don't want to run. But we want to do something with you, you know?

I'm still not ready to accept that you are not here. But I'm working hard to make sure the kids accept and understand it. When I mentioned that I'd running this race would be something you would really love ... they immediately agreed. They wanted to do it for you. And whether or not it's something I can handle (right now I honestly can't), I believe it's something they really need.

Now three reluctant runners need to start training :(