Dear Jean,

A promise is a promise. We started training for Stan's 5K! Brooke and Jeff were not home and the weather was too nice to pass up. So we risked it. We brought Luke.

He made it the whole mile.

I checked my Runkeeper and guess when my last run was? June 27 ... 2020. Whoops.

I know it's a small world, but geez! Recently I've been messaging with a plethora of your old friends and connections. But not that long ago I was chatting with Maureen. She said she was coming into town from California for a short period. She was asking about mom and if she should stop in there, and I gave her the short version of the whole long story.

Anyway the fam and I were wrapping up some ice cream in downtown New Buffalo and this girl comes up to me. I'm pretty sure you can already guess where this is going, but it was her! So after all this chatting back-and-forth we actually had the chance to connect (on a random street in Michigan) for a couple of minutes. She got to see the kids, we had to talk about you, and it felt really nice. Obviously it would've been better if she got to see you or you guys got to see each other, but it is still kind of cool I'm getting a chance to connect with some of your old friends. Certainly doesn't make anything better but I think it helps with some of the processing. Miss you!

I signed myself, Brooke and Ryan up for the donut run. I really don't want to run. They really don't want to run. But we want to do something with you, you know?

I'm still not ready to accept that you are not here. But I'm working hard to make sure the kids accept and understand it. When I mentioned that I'd running this race would be something you would really love ... they immediately agreed. They wanted to do it for you. And whether or not it's something I can handle (right now I honestly can't), I believe it's something they really need.

Now three reluctant runners need to start training :(

Today we were in Detroit. Despite the fact I already had several coffees and had just eaten, I felt the need to go to Tim Hortons to get in on this Beiber partnership. I cools feel Brookes eyes roll from the seat behind me. I told her you would get it, and if I told you I wanted to do it (even if you didnt want it) you'd be all in. I tried Justin's "signature Tim Hortons Vanilla Cold Brew" drink, Biebs Brew. And the Beibs donuts.

The coffee was crap and the donuts were basic. But that actually just added to the experience. You were definitely with me.

I can't really sleep at night. I think it's my brain processing. I get that you're gone. I'm not in denial or having a hard time accepting it. I saw cancer take you. I saw you fade.

But we've had periods of time where we haven't spoken before. Like when I'm on vacation or you're traveling for work, for example. So the silence between us still seems temporary. While I know it's not true, in the back of my head I still think I can talk to you or see you. Like this is temporary. I don't understand how I reconcile this feeling. It's really just too hard to accept.

Is a day ever going to come where this stuff makes me happy? Where the memories of you feel good instead of make me cry? I can't imagine that will ever happen.

When you got your diagnosis we both knew you were going to die, albeit at not as fast as you were taken. I also became pretty convinced that I was also going to die. Initially I assumed it would be immediate after the drama with my colonoscopy, but then later came to believe it will just be at some point in the future. Not as soon as you, but too early regardless.

I am really sort of planning my own death, with most concerns being the kids. I decided that I would, from the point of my own diagnosis, start writing the kids emails regularly that they could see after I died so they could still have communications from me. They would include pics of me / them that they had not seen, memories, words of encouragement, etc.

Despite the fact I knew your time was short ... I didn't consider how I'd feel this desperate need to still hear from you. Despite the fact I knew my kids would feel that for me. I knew you'd leave me, but never really believed it.

Now I sit here strolling every social media post and reading every text message. There are not enough videos and I need more. I need more words from you to me, more words from you to the kids.

In every movie when someone dies there is the "last voicemail." They save it forever and listen to it on repeat. I don't have a last voicemail. Do I save every text? Every email? Every instant message? What about all the millions of texts I deleted? Can I retrieve them? Can I hunt down stories you wrote for a now defunct online magazine? Can I find writing you did under pseudonyms? How do I find a way to still hear you now that you are gone? I don't know why I started planning the end of my own life while simultaneously not preparing for yours. That was a pretty massive mistake.