I don't know how to deal with messages like this from Brooke. Whenever she is down, this conversation always comes up. I have no ability to deal with my own grief and therefore find it very hard to figure out how to deal with hers too. Mostly I worry that I'm not addressing it enough and she feels she needs to keep it in. I miss you too. Every day. And every time she tells me SHE misses you it's like a punch in the heart. I simultaneously feel grief for my own loss and guilt for hers. How do I make sure this scar isn't one that creates permanent damage for her?

After years of prep she made it into the High School she wanted ... making her realize how many milestones she will hit without you there. The happiest moments are always the saddest without you.

It feels like 90% of my time missing you is spent regretting missed opportunities. It looks like Brooke feels the same. It's hard when the one thing in life you need is just a little more time, because that's really the one thing you can never get.

Luke went to the Field Museum with school and had so much fun. We were shocked, because we assumed with his short attention span it just wouldn't be the place for him. Clearly, we were wrong.

Sue made a huge (pun intended) impression on him. And as I scrolled through your social media posts thinking of you (something I do more days than not) I came across a multitude of your Sue photos. Today we looked at them together. He was shocked.

"Aunt Jean saw Sue too?"

Of course you did. Likely more times than we could ever count ;)

Today is hard. Missing you.

Last I wrote I discussed Sunday June 5th, two days after you passed. Now, if you recall, the wake is Thursday and the Funeral on Friday. I was not told any of this directly. I was not given information or invited to participate. I no longer received any communication from Quinn or Miriam. This is not a total surprise as I sent them both a reply on Sunday that told me that I was restricting communication with them. However, that same note also said "send along service details and needed information." They did not.

I received a couple of communications from Ruth. No details or info. One was a notice (warning?) that the obituary was coming out in the paper. One let me know reported plans for mom and Jim for your wake. The other was the day of your wake, saying she was "thinking of me". Ha. 

The only communication I did get that week was from Kathleen. She was trying to do her best to balance between, attempting to be useful and be included to your proclaimed "best friends" and also not tick me off with information she obtained from them. Miriam was picking out pictures she liked of our family (including my kids) from your social media, printing them, and sending them to Kathleen to put on the family board she was also now in charge of creating. During that week we were both using Google and online search to find out information - despite the fact that she was actually in regular contact with them. 

On Monday the funeral times were released. We both found out via the online obituary. Nobody ever told me what time or date the funeral or wake were. 

On Tuesday Kathleen told me about Miriam picking pictures of my family and sending them to her. She wanted to verify their use and make sure I was happy with what was being included and portrayed. 

We chatted a bit during the week and during the wake Kathleen contacted me both in the early afternoon (to say she was looking forward to seeing my family, if "looking forward" is the right word). Kathleen was the only one that knew what time we were going to the wake - as she was the only one that actually asked. Despite Ruth thinking Mom and Jim wouldnt be there long, they were. Kathleen warned me at 4:30 they were still there. She also warned me where they were hanging out.

I dont want to talk about your wake. It was horrible. But I do want to mention one last thing. On Sunday Kathleen told me that from 7pm-8pm the wake would be "open comment time for people about Jean". She was the only one that told me this. On the Curley website, it had said something about a remembrance ceremony at 7pm. That was all that was provided (and that needed to be looked up).

At your wake I was hanging out with our family members. A friend of Ruths (I think her name is Stephanie) came up to Jeff (who was inside, mostly trying to keep an eye out for Mom & Jim) and said something about the service getting kicked off soon and they were looking for me. Jeff was shocked and confused. Why were they looking at me? Well, this friend said they wanted to know if I wanted to "kick things off." WHAT? Yeah, apparently they were looking for me because they thought I'd like to give my speech first. The speech I didnt prepare because nobody told me there would be speeches. A speech I wasnt invited to give. And one they are really lucky I didnt plan to put together because after this nightmare experience the last thing anyone would want me to do is get up on a podium and tell everyone how I was feeling. 

I spent the last week of your life, and the 24 hours later, sitting and waiting. Hoping I'd be allowed to visit. Hoping I'd be included. Hoping someone would clue me in. I never thought all the decisions would be made without even including me. And I certainly never thought that it was assumed that I was just an acquaintance that should find out information like everyone else and that should participate as an outsider. This became increasingly traumatizing. Its still traumatizing. How can I process grief when anger at others is my primary emotion? How can I move forward when I'm sitting by my phone just waiting for a message, or being asked to be involved?

So I set an auto-respond to those that were consuming all of my thoughts.

I assume Quinn heard about my message to Miriam the previous night (where I tried to explain to her how rude it was to box me out and how it felt to have to Google your name to get information) because they messaged me with an attempt to ... see if I was sleeping ok. Really? How do you think I was sleeping. Their message and my automatic response is here:

Miriam follows later. Remember my last post? That I guess I was just an outsider and I'll try to pop into the wake on Thursday? Here is her response. 

I got one more message from Quinn this day (Sunday, two days after you died). It was your Obituary. It was published, without my input or any heads up.

Because this was a screenshot, I want to share the full obituary here

“Hope is the thing with feathers.” Emily Dickenson
“All birds are dinosaurs.” Jean Doan

Jean Stanula Doan Jean Stanula Doan (b 9-29-1982) of Chicago passed away on Friday, June 3, 2022 at 5:40 PM in the arms of her wife, closest companions, and her life-long furry friend, Eliot-the-Cat.  Jean died of organ failure resulting from colon cancer that spread to her liver.  Jean was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer on September 15, 2021, two and a half years after asking her doctor for a colonoscopy to ensure a lifetime of happiness with her family.  Her father, Jerome Stanley Stanula (deceased) died of colon cancer at the age of 53.  No one was less surprised and more enraged by her diagnosis than Jean herself.  

Jean is survived by her loving wife, Ruth Doan, her devoted sister Dawn Schneider, her loving mother, Terry Stanula, and her brother James Stanula.  Jean is also survived by her chosen family Quinn Drew, Michael O’Malley, and a gymnasium-full of friends, all of whom believe that they are, in fact, Jean’s best friend.  

Jean grew up in Orland Park, Chicago, and cultivated a true south-side appreciation for friendship, loyalty, hard work, hard drink, saving up for nice things, and making do with just enough in between.   

Jean was obsessed with natural history, most especially dinosaurs, her cat Eliot, time travel, musical theater, scientific writing and liberal politics and punditry.  She was an avid reader, as well as an incisive and entertaining writer.  She was an incredible boss and beloved employee at Rotary International.  She loved to travel and travel light (“less is more when you’re on the go”), and wrote incredible travel itineraries for our trips to London and New York City.  She even wooed her future wife while on a work trip to Australia.   

Jean’s intelligence, patience, and charm changed hearts and minds.  She healed broken friendships, and helped people see the world as a place where more people can belong.  She was a teacher.  She forgave people because she had faith in who we could be next time.  “I have been here before, I am here now,  I will be here again.” Roger Ebert from Life Itself 

We will collect sympathy cards at the visitation.  The visitation is scheduled at Curley Funeral Home on Thursday, June 9, from 2-8 PM.  The Funeral will be held at Graceland Cemetery on Friday, June 10, 2022 at 10:00 a.m., burial at 11:00 a.m. Attendees may drive in and will be guided to the chapel by Graceland staff.  All are welcome.  Post-funeral reception TBA.   

Please send flowers to Curley Funeral Home.  In lieu of flowers, Jean would love it if you made a donation to one of these two places:  

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://ethicalhumanistsociety.org/

(who is officiating her visitation and funeral free of charge).

Im not sure if its common to include a persons only family, or only sister, in the obituary writing. But I have to assume its often shared before publishing so that loved ones dont see it online first. Apparently I was not considered to be one of those people. How do I know this? Well, there is a specific line in the obituary that makes it pretty sure what Ruth was thinking at the time.

Kathleen had been trying to help with assembling photos for the wake. I am not sure how she was included, but she was appointed the person to gather her high school, college and 20's friends. Considering nobody in the newly proclaimed "best friends group" knew her that long, Kathleen was probably their only way to honor anything before Jean was 30.

Anyway, as Kathleen was not invited to visit Jean, and Nicole and I were specifically told we couldnt come in, I thought Id ask see how she felt about the fact that (according to the obituary) Jean died surrounded by her "closest companions". And to confirm I was not overreacting. I was not.