Just left the DC area onto a cabin in Virginia. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I'm crying as we drive.

It's like I had a little chance to connect with you there and now I'm walking away (or driving away) from that opportunity. It hurts. It's like I have to say goodbye another time.

The good thing is that I got to feel connected to you in a different way over the last couple of days ... and I didn't really expect that! So with the good comes the bad, I guess. Thankful I got to feel connected for those few days. Love you.

In DC with the kids trying to reconnect with you, to find you I guess? It's still too soon for this to bring good memories back, it's definitely more painful than joyful.

But pieces of you are here. I can't exactly do the same things we did with the kids ... shopping and bars are not their things. But we are touring a lot of the National Mall and I'm telling them about when you and I played tourist here too. It was so long ago it's hard to remember now, but it still is nice to know we shared this too.

I know you and I had so many conversations about fake eyelashes, I had to fill you in on this one. So I put on these fake eyelashes at around 3 o'clock today. And now it's 11 PM and they're mostly on ... there's a little bit of slippage maybe on one side and you can start to see them kind of pulling, but visually when you look at me they don't look like they're falling off or look crazy. However I really did feel them the whole night. So I'm still on the eyelash crusade. I thought you would love an update. Miss you.

Gosh I miss you so much today. It's at that point where the initial period is past ... that shock period. And now everyday I just have to remind myself it's real. You're really not coming back. That's impossibly hard to swallow.

I forgot to tell you. Eliot is looking good! He was cuddly and lovey and Brooke snapped a pic. He's handsome as ever.

Went by your place tonight so Brooke could snoop through your jewelry. She took three things: a pair of Dino earrings, a sparkly "fancy" necklace and that watch Jim gave you. They were very intentional picks, and she didn't even know how much you were really into watches. On the way back I talked to her about your love of watches (glossing over where that one came from) and how you always had one. I could tell that made her feel very happy she chose it. I'm glad she is collecting and keeping little pieces of you.

Brooke and I went to a farmers market this morning. There was a woman that made jewelry out of books. All I could think about was how much you'd love that idea. Then we found this charm, and I cried. Would I have thought about getting it for you last summer? I don't know. But today? I wanted to get it for you so bad. All I can think about is what I could have done with more time. What I could/would have done differently. I think all the way back to our childhood and regret not pushing more for us to develop our relationship, all the way up to your last few days. Would this charm change anything? It's hard to keep seeing things that make me filled with regret instead of joy. I hope someday that changes.