Again, things continued to get worse. Friday, June 3rd I was completely cut out of all communication. This was your last day, your last hours. Maybe people could say that they didnt know time was so short - but thats a lie. You can tell by this (my only communication) informing me that you were "still with us." Because there was clearly an expectation that you might not be. I would have to assume that some people would understand that these minutes were important to others besides themselves, but that did not seem to be the case. After this message, I waited for a follow up. But, this was it. My last communication.

 

From this first message, the "Jean is still with us," I just waited. There was no update. So, again, I followed up. The day before we were told we'd be able to come over at 3 (which was what I was waiting on) and figured Id double check. So I sent this message around lunchtime. There was no "circling back."

At 12:35 pm Nicole messaged me and asked if we were still allowed to go see you. She traveled in from Arizona and saw you briefly on Thursday. When she left, she had the same expectation as I did ... that we would see you again. I told her that I had heard nothing, but she told me she had received a small communication (more than me at least). At 10:53 she received a message from Ruth's number, sent by Miriam, and forwarded that along to me.

I still heard nothing, and Nicole only had this one communication. After hearing nothing, we decided to meet at a restaurant close to your house for lunch. We figured if we could be close, then we could get there fast. She and I met at a local Mexican restaurant at 2:10. While I was there, Nicole was receiving some communication. She was told we could not come over anymore. All visits were cancelled. But she was welcome to drop them off some lunch. Miriam also started communicating with her about final plans for Jean. They wanted the suit Jean wore to her wedding to be dropped of at the Funeral Home. As Nicole was from the South Side (where the funeral home was) they seemed to think she would be a good person to transport needed items. I received nothing. So I followed up myself.

Apparently, Miriam expected Nicole to be giving me some updates. I was not in a need-to-know situation. When I asked what the heck was going on ... she just asked (insinuated) that I was with Nicole. That would mean ... I knew what was going on?

After waiting and waiting all day - and never having a person directly contact me (apparently there was a group text sent that I was not on?) I was told that Ruth was no longer doing visitors. It was all too much for her. Nobody could come over. This is the message. This was my communication. On your last day. 

But, communicated to Nicole, she and I could deliver them lunch. Here is the group message from Miriam to Nicole and myself. At 4PM. Ruth was real excited about the tacos.

Nicole and I ordered a bunch of tacos. We went to drop them off - both feeling very angry. Nicole was really upset. She told Jean she would be back to visit and felt distraught over the idea of a broken promise. When we arrived, Michael came down. Despite the "no visitors" there was a house full. Miriam, Michael, Quinn, Ruths other sister ... and I dont remember who else. Michael looked exhausted. While out with us he was trying to get in touch with a new night nurse (the one from previous night was horrendous and messed up medication in addition to other things). He told us it was "like Lord of the Flies" in your condo with infighting and drama. I told Michael that Nicole needed to see Jean. He called up to get her visit approved, and brought her in while I waited downstairs. 

I pondered demanding the same thing. But it was already so bad. And I was so angry. I wanted my last memories of Jean to be ... peaceful? I said goodbye to her the day before, not knowing if there would be another day. And her last days were so horrific. I decided to say nothing. 

Nicole and I left there and I dropped her at a friends house around 5:30pm. A couple minutes later Miriam called to tell me that you died.

 Things got increasingly insane over the next few days. I am not, in any way, questioning the insanity or the emotional shit that was going on here. You were dying. It was faster than expected. It was chaos.

On Thursday (this is June 2nd, one day before you passed) I just waited and waited for communication. Again, I had heard nothing. When I left on Wednesday you were in bad shape. You were confused and frightened and I had told Ruth (and Miriam) that they were undermedicating you. Ruth was keeping meds to a minimum in order to keep you more alert out of a desire to keep interacting with you. This is the failure of every stupid movie that demonstrates a person near death has the ability to have these lovely goodbyes. Sometimes that happens ... but not with cancer. Cancer eats you. It destroys you. A person during their last moments of a cancer battle is not chatting and having heart-to-hearts. Its agaonizing death. I begged her to maximize your meds so that you could rest and have more peace during your last days. 

I made my first attempt at 6 in the morning. I literally had not slept all night and was just sitting there, home by myself, waiting to hear what was going on with my sister. The day before a nurse had informed us my sister was "in transition" and the last I heard/saw was leaving her home as a night nurse was settling in. At this point, Ruth's sister (Miriam) appeared to be my only point of communication. I messaged her ... and it was three hours until a response. 

 

At this point Miram told me that they had changed her medications and that Jean "slept well." This was my last communication with Miriam that day.

I also tried to go directly to Ruth to see if I could get more information - something. I was paying for them to have weekly cleaners and they were due to come over, so I figured a reminder on that might be a good poke.  I got a thanks, but that was it. 

I did message her one more time that day, partly (again) trying to get ANYTHING. And I explained that I heard them making some calls regarding services etc the day before and though I'm sure Jean and her discussed it that I was slightly worried Jean was allowing plans to be made to accomodate others instead of what maybe she'd really want. Jean mentioned to me that she was considering having her wake on the South Side to primairly account for our mother and that made me ... nervous? Anyway, I suggested to Ruth that decisions should be made based on what Jean (and she) really want and not to accomodate others. 

She responded that "we are waking at Curley in Beverly. Burying in Graceland" (at 3:33pm) and that was it. Again, no asking for help or info, inviting opinion, etc. This was a done deal and I'd just been informed.

 

I resorted back to Quinn that day, who was clearly receiving updates when I wasnt. 

I had waited literally all day - just sitting there. 24 or so hours before you died. I finally got word from Quinn (who had talked to Ruth) and informed me we were given a window to visit that night. So I needed to wait until 6pm. I spent the day running from store to store trying to get clothes for my kids to wear to your funeral and wake. They had no dress clothes, and no dress shoes. This is what I did during your last hours.

And this is when it really got bad. If thats even possible. The 6-9 period was like an open house for grief. People were in and out (all a very small select group of friends) during that period, many just sat around in their main room to talk. 

At this point Jean was no longer conscious. She was in a sleep state, looking fairly peaceful. People went in and out of her room to say goodbye. 

We were clearly escorted out at 9pm, with a new night nurse checking in. I was essentially told ... dont contact us we will contact you. We could come back at 3PM the next day.