I'm in DC for the Colorectal Cancer Alliance and just feel like hiding. Official stuff begins tomorrow, so tonight is all mine. All the volunteers are staying at the same hotel and I had a feeling they were going to try to CONNECT or something, so I made a run for it. That's probably a very anti-Jean thing to do ... but I'm just not ready. So I walked to a Christmas market. Then I sat in a cafe and read a book (very Jean) and had a dessert and coffee (much less Jean). It's about 8pm local time and as I walked I spotted the Capitol City Brewing Company. I was going to go back to the hotel, but seeing this place was a sign. THIS is what Jean would do.

Missing you more every day. Love you.

Brooke and I spent your birthday talking a lot about you - but also avoiding talking about you. Her birthday is so close to yours, and it makes it so ... complicated.

We talked about how much you wanted her to be born on your birthday and how worried I was that it might actually happen. Because I didn't want her to share her birthday with Mom! When I went into the hospital on the 30th I was upset because it was still so close. Then she was born in October (barely!) and I was thrilled. A whole different month!

As her birthday approached this week she could not stop thinking about you. Holidays trigger a lot of sadness for her now, and she immediately felt the closeness of your two birthdays. I hope as the years pass we can find a way to use your birthday as part of the way we celebrate hers ... and to move from this cloud of gloom towards more of an aura of memory.

We're still too close to celebrate these fond memories, but these are days on the calendar that you will forever tug us from the present into the past. I miss you more and more each day.

 I meant to write this a bit ago, but its been hard for me to process my thoughts lately. Last weekend, I was missing you. I dont remember what triggered it (this is the issue with not writing immediately) but there was some sort of trigger. So I went to my phone to look at our old text messages ... and they were gone.

This triggered a massive spiral. I cant even describe it. But, the generic notion is that I have nothing left of you. We dont have childhood photos. We are limited in childhood memories. I dont really have tangible items of yours to cling to (there are maybe three things I have, and two of them are a little more recent). All I have are these messages. 

I knew they were important, but I didnt know how much they represented all I have left of you. And when they were lost it was like losing you again. Admittedly, I've not done a lot in terms of coping with your loss still. I'm doing more ignoring and sheltering than coping. But, the shock of those messages being gone is a feeling that I couldnt really describe with words.

One of the issues that made this feeling more complicated was that I did it to myself. My phone is short on storage space and we have way too many photos. At some point, I must have changed settings to maximize storage space. I changed a setting (or let my phone change the setting) to delete text messages after they are a year old. This makes sense, logically. Who needs text messages from 12+ months ago? Well, I do.

So I had a lot of guilt and trauma about not keeping these messages out of my own neglect. I never figured out the storage issue. I've been lazy in figuring out how to keep all of these photos stored - and so they're on my phone instead of moving them off. I spent the day hating myself and crying.

But there is one positive thing to this ineptitude in storage. I had a low storage plan for storage backup and THAT has been used up. Because of that my phone (and all the phones in this house) have not been backed up since LAST NOVEMBER. Almost a year ago. So I lost your messages because I didnt have room, but also didnt back up because I didnt have room.

Are you doing the math?

I restored my phone back to November of 2022. Your messages were there.

Now, there is a bit more to this story. Before I restored my phone back to the olden days, I did a backup of my current phone (so I didnt lose the last year of stuff). Apparently, that backup failed. I spent two days trying to recover that. Also crying. I was unable. 

I now have a phone that lost all data over the last year. I lost text messages from the kids. And the weird feeling that if something were to happen to them now, that I chose to lose those texts in order to regain yours. Today its a logical choice. I need those messages from you. But when you live in constant fear of loss, this deliberate choice was also painful.

Ultimately, when it comes down to it... All I have left of you are about 7,500 text messages we shared over the time period that is on my phone (after backup). There is a little more to say about this that involves the period not long after you died. But I still have yet to cover the day of your funeral and dont think jumping forward a few weeks makes total sense.

I just finished (what is supposed to be) the last episode of the last season of Never Have I Ever.

It wasnt as funny as it was poignant, hitting on every subject from loss to change and growth.

All I want to do is talk to you about it. And at the same time the messages really ... hurt. You would have loved the rest of the series.

I don't know how to deal with messages like this from Brooke. Whenever she is down, this conversation always comes up. I have no ability to deal with my own grief and therefore find it very hard to figure out how to deal with hers too. Mostly I worry that I'm not addressing it enough and she feels she needs to keep it in. I miss you too. Every day. And every time she tells me SHE misses you it's like a punch in the heart. I simultaneously feel grief for my own loss and guilt for hers. How do I make sure this scar isn't one that creates permanent damage for her?

After years of prep she made it into the High School she wanted ... making her realize how many milestones she will hit without you there. The happiest moments are always the saddest without you.

It feels like 90% of my time missing you is spent regretting missed opportunities. It looks like Brooke feels the same. It's hard when the one thing in life you need is just a little more time, because that's really the one thing you can never get.