I just finished (what is supposed to be) the last episode of the last season of Never Have I Ever.

It wasnt as funny as it was poignant, hitting on every subject from loss to change and growth.

All I want to do is talk to you about it. And at the same time the messages really ... hurt. You would have loved the rest of the series.

I don't know how to deal with messages like this from Brooke. Whenever she is down, this conversation always comes up. I have no ability to deal with my own grief and therefore find it very hard to figure out how to deal with hers too. Mostly I worry that I'm not addressing it enough and she feels she needs to keep it in. I miss you too. Every day. And every time she tells me SHE misses you it's like a punch in the heart. I simultaneously feel grief for my own loss and guilt for hers. How do I make sure this scar isn't one that creates permanent damage for her?

After years of prep she made it into the High School she wanted ... making her realize how many milestones she will hit without you there. The happiest moments are always the saddest without you.

It feels like 90% of my time missing you is spent regretting missed opportunities. It looks like Brooke feels the same. It's hard when the one thing in life you need is just a little more time, because that's really the one thing you can never get.

Luke went to the Field Museum with school and had so much fun. We were shocked, because we assumed with his short attention span it just wouldn't be the place for him. Clearly, we were wrong.

Sue made a huge (pun intended) impression on him. And as I scrolled through your social media posts thinking of you (something I do more days than not) I came across a multitude of your Sue photos. Today we looked at them together. He was shocked.

"Aunt Jean saw Sue too?"

Of course you did. Likely more times than we could ever count ;)

Today is hard. Missing you.

Last I wrote I discussed Sunday June 5th, two days after you passed. Now, if you recall, the wake is Thursday and the Funeral on Friday. I was not told any of this directly. I was not given information or invited to participate. I no longer received any communication from Quinn or Miriam. This is not a total surprise as I sent them both a reply on Sunday that told me that I was restricting communication with them. However, that same note also said "send along service details and needed information." They did not.

I received a couple of communications from Ruth. No details or info. One was a notice (warning?) that the obituary was coming out in the paper. One let me know reported plans for mom and Jim for your wake. The other was the day of your wake, saying she was "thinking of me". Ha. 

The only communication I did get that week was from Kathleen. She was trying to do her best to balance between, attempting to be useful and be included to your proclaimed "best friends" and also not tick me off with information she obtained from them. Miriam was picking out pictures she liked of our family (including my kids) from your social media, printing them, and sending them to Kathleen to put on the family board she was also now in charge of creating. During that week we were both using Google and online search to find out information - despite the fact that she was actually in regular contact with them. 

On Monday the funeral times were released. We both found out via the online obituary. Nobody ever told me what time or date the funeral or wake were. 

On Tuesday Kathleen told me about Miriam picking pictures of my family and sending them to her. She wanted to verify their use and make sure I was happy with what was being included and portrayed. 

We chatted a bit during the week and during the wake Kathleen contacted me both in the early afternoon (to say she was looking forward to seeing my family, if "looking forward" is the right word). Kathleen was the only one that knew what time we were going to the wake - as she was the only one that actually asked. Despite Ruth thinking Mom and Jim wouldnt be there long, they were. Kathleen warned me at 4:30 they were still there. She also warned me where they were hanging out.

I dont want to talk about your wake. It was horrible. But I do want to mention one last thing. On Sunday Kathleen told me that from 7pm-8pm the wake would be "open comment time for people about Jean". She was the only one that told me this. On the Curley website, it had said something about a remembrance ceremony at 7pm. That was all that was provided (and that needed to be looked up).

At your wake I was hanging out with our family members. A friend of Ruths (I think her name is Stephanie) came up to Jeff (who was inside, mostly trying to keep an eye out for Mom & Jim) and said something about the service getting kicked off soon and they were looking for me. Jeff was shocked and confused. Why were they looking at me? Well, this friend said they wanted to know if I wanted to "kick things off." WHAT? Yeah, apparently they were looking for me because they thought I'd like to give my speech first. The speech I didnt prepare because nobody told me there would be speeches. A speech I wasnt invited to give. And one they are really lucky I didnt plan to put together because after this nightmare experience the last thing anyone would want me to do is get up on a podium and tell everyone how I was feeling.